Joe Soll and Relating to His Book

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Read a bit of Joe Soll's book about his autobiography and being adopted. He truly had extreme and turbulent younger years but was not aware or did not want to acknowledge adoption at all for most of them. He always came back to the theme of being abandoned and having inability to attach healthily to women. Going through one affair after another. It made my heart hurt to see how many women did not stay with him for long, and how he had no idea what was wrong with him. Meanwhile, he was having so much success in the business world and extravagant vacations and friends. It really did not sound like me, but opened me up to the possibility that I was not exploring my fun side enough and too uptight about being perfect NOW. Like the advice I got from my Rabbi, focus on my mental health. It's good that I scratched the surface of my pain, but I run by trying to fix everything now. I know it is an adoptee defense mechanism, and it was holding me back from seeing beauty in my life. Although I did have a beautiful time with my daughter yesterday, letting her explore and connecting with her. Although I stay in my marriage and have stability, I am not trying to build it much and am letting things go by autopilot. As Kris Gonzales said on YouTube, cptsd makes us tend to act like a helpless child, not taking charge of our life. I do not have enough romance and happiness. I spoke to my husband about it and he was open. It was like Joe Soll described in his first horrible marriage, in that "he never loved her."  I guess I also fell into a marriage without much desire, just going along with the script. And he is also very stagnant and depressed, like Joe Soll was in his next marriage but they couldn't work it out because the woman was too prideful. At least I can be honest and we know our issues, although we are not much help to one another.

Like we spoke about last week, my husband and I need to embrace our own identities before seeing each other. We tend to get wrapped up in pleasing each other that we lose boundaries and respect for one another. Just like Joe Soll hated living with one woman because she seemed to have no preferences of her own and never had an opinion outside his.

Another thing I really enjoyed about his book was how he had such clear memories of everything that mattered to him even though it happened decades ago. Such as the details of his every day interactions. It gave me hope that everything we do matters and will affect us later in life too. Thinking about all the moments with my daughter that I cherish so deeply... They will always be there even when they're over. That means the good I do for her has purpose. The love we share matters forever. They say you only value something when it is gone, and I think that is true and noticed it today. How I was just taking my walk with my baby for granted, bored and waiting for the heat of the day to cool off. And then I stopped, and lamented, "Look what beauty I have my daughter! She is everything I have always wanted, and now that we have her, I forgot how great she is..." And I felt warm inside at the beauty of life. Yes, it's important to love the little moments...

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