Leaving To Visit Birth Parents

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I decided to leave because I need to deal with my pain. It is not getting any better. And it gets expounded when my daughter worries me and I freak out that I am incapable of love. All my trauma from adoption and not being seen in my feelings make me expound on her feelings and not see realistically.

My husband and I also seem to be running on loose ends, unable to console one another and being too codependent. I tiptoe around him a lot, because he is anxious, and I am too. His family wanted us to sleep by them for the weekend for their daughter's new baby shower party, and I saw that as a looming disaster. I was working through how I would have minimal interaction with them, but I know it is not feasible. I hate how his father does not validate anyone around him and acts like a child. I told Joe Soll that I wanted to visit birth parents and he gave me his blessing. He said he will talk to me Thursday. So I am leaving.

My husband was angry, mainly because it was a trigger for him to be told about it so last minute. He was furious at home, and I was calm and listened but said I was going. He was worried about his family, missing us, and his job interview... I understood. I feel bad and now I am sad. But this morning it was something I just knew in my gut was important. I need to start listening to my feelings or they take over my life.

My birth father sounded very happy on the phone when I called this afternoon, like he was waiting for me with my birth mother. No pretenses and very nonchalant. I am also very happy and feel comfortable about it. I took lots of things that I could fit, including the stroller because it is easier to get around with. We will see if my birth sister would like to meet, after not talking for a few months. She is due in a few weeks I believe.

Here I am on the bus, as usual in between families and alone. It is triggering and I am sad. But I will get through it. It is also very familiar and feels like me, drifting in mid air without clear ground. Like I don't have to worry, I can leave my problems to the world. It feels good to do something different. Also feels nice to see how my husband loves and will miss me.

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