Meeting My Emotional Needs

There's nothing wrong with believing that people really care. Being naive and gullible. I have this trait, and my upbringing made me feel like it was weak and wrong. To trust or want to trust others. When I got here in the early morning, it was very hard for me to walk from the bus stop to the host I was staying at because of all my packages and my daughter. She had threw up a bit because of nausea and not sleeping enough, and I hadn't slept a wink because of the discomfort of holding her while sitting on the bus trying to find a comfortable position. Then we were woken up by the border and had to get out with our papers, and needless to say that was confusing and hard for my toddler.

So I changed her soiled clothing at 6 a.m. and set her in the stroller and saddled 2 small duffle bags and a car seat on it. I stumbled down the street bleary eyes and made it to the house. It was a very nice room with all accommodations to wash up and a spacious room. I was happy until I realized I had not packed pajamas for myself so I changed us into clean clothes and lay down. She couldn't sleep and kept staring around. I explained where we were and she said where Daddy so I told her. I got her to cry her stress out a bit and she fell asleep with exhaustion. We both slept for 4 hours and then woke up because I was anxious.

I couldn't sleep anymore. Was tired. Took shower and was too tired to listen to her tears so we went out. She refused to go in her carriage so I carried her. I needed wifi and the host wasn't home. We went to a local shopping mall. Bought some items and got money from the bank. I was so high at being here alone. I could correct my childhood and everything would be fine.

But there was too much to correct. Too much wrong. Faking and pretend happiness. I did not feel strong enough to hold my new self here.

Every time my daughter cries and is needy I freak out. I run to distract myself rather than be there. I think that her crying is too pitiful because I project my own feelings about crying. Especially today being here alone brought up pain for me. I had to push it down because I had no comfort. I am so angry that I have to take care of her when I can't focus on my needs. And I have a lot. Now I know why parents become abusive. The nagging is too much. Ignoring a child's feelings and making them fend for themselves is passive abuse. I always felt it was better to be honest even if you are angry. Because then at least you are being true to yourself. The child and you can feel when you are being honest.

I am walking and shutting myself down with guilt. And worry about my daughter. I got a pizza from my childhood store with whole wheat dough, and started talking to the lady. I figured what the heck. I felt so sad. I told her who I was and she remembered me as a child with my brother. I told her why I was here, to see my birth parents and why. She was curious, and asked about it. I told her the facts somewhat disassociated. She watched my daughter and gave the typical answer that she probably wants independence when I said I slept with her and she was tired because I couldn't sleep. I said no, I believe babies need their mother. She understood that I needed to meet my birth parents and said we all have baggage. I knew she did but not what because she didn't say. Her husband made me a special pizza and was friendly. He told me he was Arabic and then I asked how and he said because he came from Afghanistan. It was kind of a dumb moment for me. I was so uncomfortable and unsure about my story but I said it anyway. At the end I told her thanks for listening, and she said I am here for you. I was sincere in thanking her.

I left and was wondering why it was so hard for me to believe people cared. I felt so guilty for wanting to meet my birth parents, it felt like I had to be secretive about it. I had to talk about it to bring it out in the open, and it wasn't so bad of me to do that. It was just how I was raised, to keep my needs to myself and not have people care about them.

I came back and was so shy to ask for the wifi code from the host. She was nice, but I still felt like a pest. I was like, thank you no you don't have to give me food... But a part of me wanted to accept it but I felt undeserving. I also felt scared that my Daughter's needed crying would wake up the other guests, and told her. She said she put a mattress by the door to muffle it, and I still felt awful and worried.

Finally, I set out to put my daughter to nap, scared of her uncried tears. I just wanted her to cry and get it over with but she was just falling asleep out of exhaustion when my birth father was on the phone. It woke her up. I was furious. He said he was back and when was I coming? I told him my daughter needed to nap now and he apologized.

My daughter didn't sleep and I freaked out. I threw her onto the bed from the carrier and she saw my anger and started crying. I didn't care and I was furious. I realized that I never had my needs of knowing my birth parents validated so it was part of me to not trust others. I needed time to myself to process it. I was so ashamed and felt undeserving of any help so I denied myself to other's care. But I need it, and I deserve it. I am a victim, an orphan that nobody acknowledged because I was adopted. I was fighting with myself to be perfect and good but I was angry and sad and I couldn't handle it. Of course I was gonna have a hard time loving and caring for my daughter. The anger had to come out. I took time to write this down and my daughter was crying away at being ignored, but I just can't right now.

My husband also spoke to me before and didn't support me at all, just talked about his story of not being confident enough to work, and listened to my tale about yesterday. Now I feel alive because I am finally letting my feeling out in the open, and not trying to be happy when I can't. My daughter is crying and needs me, and I can finally see it objectively because I am not thinking about meeting my unmet needs only. I also let her scream and cry and screw what they think. I realized it was all from my head that they would not let her cry, and that I wasn't seeing it as a need that had to be fulfilled. I am having boundaries and pushing her away from me despite her wanting to eat because I need to feel my emotions and be real. It feels right. I can only do what I can now.