Mother Triggers

It was a crazy ride with my mom today, meeting for lunch. She obtains her narcissistic supply from asking me questions and pretending to care all about my life, and it felt weird. I noticed how I was programmed to answer to her probing questions, like a codependent who thinks someone actually cares about her but deep down I did not feel cared for. And I sensed it was all about her. So I deflected some questions and did not give myself over gullibly.

I remember the videos of my childhood where she asked 21 questions to the children, like they are there to entertain and focus on, but it seemed fake. Such as talking all about how pretty their dress was, and to show off their new songs they learned. Never anything emotional or personal. It was so baby boomerish and staged.  I see how I learned from her about needing to please others and ignoring my feelings. I was angry about it. I cannot make sincere friends now without feeling unsure.

She told me she was dating, and I was happy for her. She knew it. She wanted advice I offered about how to know if it is right. She said well he is very kind about if they had same values. I thought that was important for someone to finally treat her like her feelings mattered. She also said she was shocked when he told her he dated other women who said no and it didn't bother him. She said how could he not be rejected and he said he knew it was them and not him, so is very good with emotions.

Her mentality is to always please others even if you don't feel Like it. The way she pities and attends my father like he's a sick child. Like they are all dolls that need dress up. But not seeing humanness and flaws. Constantly hearing voices telling her to do more! And she even blamed the children for not being the way she wanted them to be, as if it was not her responsibility to help us. I had to tell her about the wound adoption causes in babies, and how they need special care from adoptive caregivers. She said she had no idea.

I told her about how adoption is different because the baby is NOT bonded no matter how much you think it's fine. She was hurt and said she thought we were bonded. I said maybe because I learned how to get what I needed but I never felt emotionally connected. I asked how she felt about that, and she told me she felt bad about my feeling pain, again fully focusing on me as if I were the problem. I told her I had to deal with it myself and what about her pain. She was very quiet and unsure with a spaced off look in her eyes. She suddenly seemed like a child, defeated. She said very very sad that I was so upset. I told her it made sense and that was enough, she didn't have to fix me, I was an adult. But that relationships can only go so far as the person who was the least healthy emotionally, and that she needed to acknowledge my feelings in order to have one. She nodded and said she wanted to. I felt like it took so much to get her to say that. It felt exhausting. She asked me why I was so rude when a cousin that had a fake cheeriness stopped to chat, and I had not even looked at her, and I said because I didn't feel she cared about me. She was shocked, and said but she is family.. I said it doesn't matter to me. I don't trust her because she never understood my pain so I am hurt. If she wanted to help, she could see me and ask what was wrong but I didn't need to pander to people who didn't help me.

It was eye opening for her. She admitted her mother was cold and she felt unheard and had issues when growing up, but learned to forgive her and never brought it up. I said why not? Didn't want to hurt her. I told her I was only telling her these things to develop a relationship with her because I appreciate her giving to me as a child and baby, and wanted to help her. She was grateful and thanked me. I tried not to be too fake when I left, with her fake wishing me luck. I told her thanks to you too. But I felt so much was unsaid and not understood. She said she was interested in reading the adoptee narrative book by Zara Phillips. She agreed that her parents and sisters were pretty emotionally cold, and didn't say anything when I told her how much they hurt me by ignoring my pain. She said what did her father know about me..  He was nice to ask how we were doing. I said that was not normal and not a true grandparent way to love.

Now I know where I get it from, to pander so much to my daughter. I am terrified she won't love me. Like my mother was with me. She said she felt like it was her fault that I was so "slippery.."