New Friends

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We went out with new friends today. It is a trip to learn how to be with them. Being that we both have issues with trusting.

I keep wanting to share everything, and found myself chatting nervously to fill silences. She in response was quiet and thoughtful, so it was interesting contrast. I kept not knowing what she thought of me and it made me nervous. Because I am so used to having to please people. But it seemed she is more rational and contemplative than me. But who knows, maybe she is just as unsure as me and it manifests in her quietness. Or maybe she is just cautious and more healthy. It seemed like she was a bit guarded. I don't mind though, I like getting to know her. I also would like to feel heard by another person, and she listens to me, too. She seemed unsure about direction in life. I am also somewhat. I wish she was more open though. Time will tell. I will be as cautious as I need to. I have to work on my judgement of others better, and not put all my hopes on someone new.

But it is a good feeling to be more out there, actually communicating my thoughts to someone other than this blog or my husband. She doesn't seem like a perfect fit for me, seems to have different focuses, but then again not everyone is adopted and struggling with identity issues deeply. I am okay with that and not ashamed anymore. I realized that I used to only be drawn people who had major issues in life, because I felt they mirrored me... But I no longer attract them. Instead, I am learning to connect to more toned down people. Maybe they can show me normalcy. At worst, reject me because I am too intense. At least I know myself and won't be able to pin the blame on them.

Feels good. My daughter was happy around her son but cautious too, especially when he hugged her. I am proud of her for being discerning. But she was a bit spaced out when we talked to them the entire time. I am worried about her needs for interaction. I was thinking of getting her some therapy for her inability to cry without my help, and the way is fearful of being without me.

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