Owning My Pain When Nobody Allows It

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I'm walking down the street sad and depressed. I am blaming myself and angry at my unproductivity. My daughter is in her carriage in this heat, where she will stay for the next hour as I walk on errands. I am angry at society for making it so. For making it impossible for kids to be their natural selves. Instead having to be cooped up and managed like slaves. I am angry at my people that they are so blind to their destructive behaviors, and go around thinking they are righteous and G-d will take care of everything. Blind to the sins they cause in their wake, by being selfish and ignoring their kids. By being proud and running after honor all in the name of perfection. Staying in their own four corners and hiding the truth from the world, but claiming to have it. The truth is, that we are all important and need to help one another. Lift each other up the way we lift up ourselves spiritually and emotionally. But I guess they don't. I can't look at them, and I feel tears pricking at the injustice. And where do I fit in? I feel like a victim to my society. A child, not yet responsible for my actions. Because I was never taught right. So I am stuck in the middle. Wanting to be good but not having the courage. Hurting. Scared to seek love because I know there is none here. They do not love themselves, they are living in false piety.

I answer a sweet friend asking to meet out tonight, that I may not be up for it because am having a hard day. Understatement. But I felt bad saying it, for fear of dragging her down.

As I walk more, I decide to answer my husband. I tell him reluctantly that I am doing the errands and that I am so sad. He asks why? Worried. I feel unallowed. I reach down and touch my daughters face, offering her my leftover ice from my sugarless ice coffee. I figure it's better than freeze dry coffee, and I can treat myself to this need.

As I find the store I got lost looking for and had gone a mile out of my way, it hits me. My friend has answered nonchalantly that I should let her know about tonight as she is willing to skip other plans to meet with me. I am awed and tell her thanks for letting me "vent." I say lol, but I am dead serious. I was never allowed my feelings to exist in front of my mother or family, so I don't expect anyone to "let" me say how I truly feel. The pain inside. I have a feeling that they will get bothered by it. As Joe Soll told me, you were always told you were wrong. So I don't own my feelings and don't expect others to care about them. I sigh and my pain absolves a bit. I call my husband and tell him about my new revelation, and hear my voice clearly for the first time. It is a small but clear, determined voice. I like it. I let the pain feel at home.

I realize how I was projecting, because I didn't let myself feel my pain. Yes, others may be split in feeling too, and not want to see the darker sides. But I can.

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