Releasing my Daughter's Tears with Consoling

Crazy time last night. My daughter was stressed probably from us watching Annie, in our need for getting away. I decided to break the pattern and listen to her tears. Boy did she shriek. I thought I couldn't handle it, but I remembered that it was not my fault and allowed her to her feelings. I listened and struggled with her, holding her gently and firmly. Her face crumbled, and the air of silliness and seeming to not be affected the whole night disappeared. She was bawling as if I was taking away her lifeline, my breast to suck. I felt bad, but I knew I needed to be there. It was hard to watch, but I told myself that I was okay and she would be okay, that my being there for her was enough. I knew I was all she needed, and all at once I realized how much she loved and needed me. It made me emotional. I was not used to feeling so needed.

I allowed myself to cry a bit, realizing how much babies need... And imagining that maybe I needed it too and did not get it? She stopped and freaked out when I seemed to lose myself in sobs. She disassociated, and I stopped crying and brought her back. She shrieked even more. I was present for her, listening like the voice of reason that I was. Acknowledging her pain and holding it for her, like a healthy grownup should.

I saw a quote, Be for others the person you needed when you were a child. I marvel at how awesome that would be.

Today, after a really awkward time with my adoptive mother involving teaching her the basics of human relating, which I will get into later, I was drained and needed more air. Walked around. I had thought this morning that a child just needs their mother to love them, and not feel like their needs are a burden, so I took her out in order to find my own inner peace. I decided on a fly to visit my birth parents, leaving tonight. I see how following my needs is the only way I can feel real/be happy. I need a change of scenery desperately. So when we got back from walking and getting some ice-cream where I worked on my instagram account, I held her again and acknowledged her stress. She shrieked and cried. She pretended she was happygolucky in the store, chattering and laughing to herself, but I knew she was tired. She cried heavily and clung to me like a banchee again, showing me how much she needed me... And I let go of my breath and held her close, consoling her with unfamiliar words like "I hear you, you're sad, feel hurt from me, it's okay to cry..." I held her tight and she seemed to relax in my arms. I was astonished that she trusted me, and she fell asleep from my comforting.