Scared of What We Can't Face

People are scared of what they do not want to face. That's why people do not want to face adoption as trauma, for example. But once they can face it they no longer feel such aversion to it. I saw this in Joe Soll's book, Braverman, when he said towards the end that he was scared of facing children with Cerebral Palsy because he did not want to imagine it happening to him. I used to feel disgusted when I heard about Michael Jackson, that he was a pedophile. I watched an interview with him and read his biography a bit, and felt extreme disgust at how he could be so cold and inhuman. I didn't realize that I was repelled by the idea that someone is a situation traumatic comparatively to my own, could act on impulses that way. I felt horrid.

Today, when I was disassociating from facing my daughter because of her anxieties and not falling asleep, I watched a documentary about Michael Jackson. I learned about his childhood and how he was a prodigy child and his mother was a devout Jehovah Witness, and father was an abusive rage-aholic who beat him when he was not perfect at his singing practice. He was also a child star, rising at age 6 to fame. It all messed him up and enabled him to stay stuck in his childhood age, using fame to drug his pain. Therefore, it was not till he was older that he was able to say anything about his father. He was obsessed with Peter Pan because he wanted to stay young forever. He even had his plastic surgery done to look like him, but it was so bad that it resembled the inside confusion he felt about his identity. I saw in the YouTube music videos how people were all obsessed with him, and idolize him. I couldn't believe how naive people were. Also, on the Oprah Winfrey show interview with him, I saw clearly how he himself idealized himself, so off base from reality. He said he was so shocked by how people thought he did a stunt for attention, but earlier I hear that he did indeed do it for attention and wanted himself in the front page every day. Oprah fell for it, and also idolized him. You can see how fake they both were, both feeding each other's egos. She told him the title "king" was not enough to include the full identity of who he was. He acted so childish and with "wonder" that people thought he was some angel. But really, he just never became an adult and faced his trauma, fragmented pain. Therefore he was able to get away with never taking responsibility... And hurting others greatly. He did not let his own children see their mother, and truly had them out of selfish reasons. He was obsessed with children because he fully identified with them. It was creepy to see him and a black young boy holding hands and him giggling.

Weirdly, it reminds me how my birth father acts- childish. He does not accept that other people are bad or wrong sometimes, and is always looking at the good side. He works all day because he is still at the "charge" of his "superiors." I know it is because of his trauma, and not facing reality. It scares me when my daughter acts all ignorant of what happens and pretends to be happy or okay, but then when I look at her she shrieks and can't face me.

I do the same, Trying to ignore my pain or frustration with distractions. Joe Soll said in the book that when you can't face feelings they become scary to you and part of your life. Therefore inner child work is needed to let yourself feel the anger or sadness until it no longer needs to be felt an abnormal amount and you can go on living. I have a therapy session with him thank G-d and am looking forward.

Keep looking for idealizing and thinking our "Mommy" will come rescue us... But we really need to rescue ourselves. I hope I can make it better with my daughter and I will explain it all to her. Teach her that she can heal and doesn't need me, she can do it by herself. Life that is.