Seeing My Change

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I see how I became so much less stuck in my pain over the past 2 years through the pictures looking back. I used to be over focused on my looks and appearance, thinking it was the main importance to my life over my emotions. Now I am less interested in it, and I think it correlates to how I no longer put precedence of what other people think and see myself for more of who I am. My emotional pain came more to the surface, so I respect myself more and what I went through is more real to me...

I also no longer live with the amount of anxiety that I used to. Over how other people saw me, over how I controlled my emotions. I have it more under control. This is important because it gives me more focus and energy towards happiness and inner confidence. I still have a long way but at least I don't beat myself up as much when I feel upset. I can also see others more objectively because I am less judging of them too.

I also spend less energy on things that do not help me, such as not wanting to buy some self help books about how to heal the emotional body because I know I would get too triggered and it did not focus on my specific issues of adoption. So it would drain me and make me feel inadequate.

I think when a person is traumatized, they split off from their true selves because of the pain... And so they pretend they are someone else when they are hiding their true feelings. It causes friction in their life when these feelings come up, and so they need to fake it and push them away... Lying to themselves and others. My own sisters lie to me that there is no pain in them... But I don't accept it because I know they are hiding it so we don't have much to discuss and avoid each other because they basically see me as crazy and a mess for admitting I have pain. Once we can accept our fragmented sides, we can become whole and see others in a loving and wholesome light as well. Less drama and need to "fake" sympathies and expound energy of every one around you... I am ashamed that I used to br that way, but now I am different and more toned down thank G-d. We are more pleasant to be around and genuine when we work on facing our past trauma and loving our child inside truly.

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