Spiraling Again and Distorted Mirroring

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Been going through hell. Didn't know which way was up and which down. My daughter was frustrating me by her mess making and I blew up at her. Then at myself. Tried saying the affirmations but they made me cry because of how far I felt from them. Kept judging myself. Saying when am I gonna get up. Feel like it's fake though to be happy. Angry that my husband can't see my pain and withers away from me emotionally when I am down, scared of me. Feel so disconnected. And judge myself at how I feel about my daughter.

Feels good to get this off my chest. Like how Ollie Mathews says he struggles with self-esteem after his parents drilled into him how worthless he is. But the way to get over it is by exposure- the narcissists don't want that and they hate the truth. They hate seeing you happy. It's the same for me- I feel like the whole world wants to see me fall. Hates my emotional weakness, thinks it's all made up.

I think of my situation, my primal wound, and it's a wonder that I am here at all. Trying. The spiritual connection makes me feel good, but also can be a double edged sword by making me feel not good enough yet. Lose sight of my true place. I get kicked down again and again. And the world judges on, and no one is there on my side, except for one or two people. But even they are hard to get to. And so my mundane everyday life is filled with obstacles not letting me thrive. I need a more understanding atmosphere. It is not enough to watch lectures and feel good about trying. I need personally witnesses to who I am and who I am becoming.

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