Taking Relationships Slow and Grounded in Reality

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You can't just become close friends after two times meeting, and if you do it is false, as Teal Swan says if Overlay... That when people project onto others how they think they are supposed to behave, they become friends with a doll and not a real person. Because people are complicated, and the ones who are over enthusiastic are often shallow and not good at becoming deep.

I see this with my past friendship, where we met and there was an instant connection. She said she needed friends, and acted like she knew me already. Gave me unsolicited advice. When I poured out my adoptee feelings to her in hope of getting to know her, she dismissed them! I had to convince her how I felt could be real. It was a disaster, and I was drained. When I told her yesterday that it wouldn't work out for me, she couldn't take no and said I must be hurt and that maybe I wasn't looking for non-deep relationships, as she was. My husband was astounded at that, because "anyone who knows me should see that I am only interested in deep relationships." He also said that if she wasn't, there showed something wrong with her. I agree, because to me life is important and who would be interested in only relating shallowly? It shows a lack of maturity. So she went on and on that she was "sorry" and wanted to fix things, when I ignored her text about "advice" not to get to heavy in my feelings, and that I should know that only I can fix myself, and good luck. She went on to say that she felt soo bad that I was hurting and she wanted to call me. I ignored it and felt sorry for her. She did not understand boundaries at all. Enough was enough.

With my new friend, I am taking it slow and getting to know them without confessing all my appreciation... This is reality, and we are equal. Relationships require time and effort. I see how I used to act enmeshed with my narc old friend, and thought I owed them my life and vice versa. It was so enmeshed. I have to make sure I don't over-idealize people and expect them to feel certain ways, because that in itself is overstepping a boundary. Also not expecting to know them right away, and giving them time to open up without giving unsolicited advice is healthy.

As adoptees we often expect others to save us, like we are children and have no answers. We need to pay attention to our feelings and trust intuition more. Relationships take time.

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