The Fight and Acting Childish

On Monday I was catering to my daughter and her new friend our neighbor, a four year old hyperactive girl. My husband came home and I prepared food for us, while he continued watching them. Then they came in and my daughter was somewhat lost, so I felt that I had to watch her in order for her to feel connected while we ate. I noticed that she tuned in and ate every time I watched her. My husband looked up, and switching from his melancholy mood he started joking about how I was staring at her and pretended to stare too. I grew angrier inside, and then he started laughing and wiggling his tongue at her. It made me feel like he had no clue about her inner state. I grew furious and burst out at him that he was an idiot and couldn't he see I was serious?! He got defensive and said he wasn't doing anything and actually was serious. It was a lie. I yelled at him and even hit him when he started yelling back. Totally forgetting my daughter. She just looked on sadly. I finally decided to get away. Walked outside alone and sat on the stoop. I watched people walk by and how oblivious they all were to this pain and disconnect that went on in families. I felt so sad and helpless that I started to cry. I felt done with my husband since he didn't see his antics. He was not working on his issues so our marriage was unequal and unfair to me to have to raise my daughter alone in my efforts to see her feelings and not just be selfish. I sighed and kicked myself for falling into marriage for the hundredth time. Went back in, hoping he'd wake up. But the first thing he said was, did you think of why you got mad? I blew up again and told him to maybe see where he was wrong.

We went for a walk. I was silent with anger. I thought of how none of us could face not being validated. I told him marriage was done, since he was immature. He told me that I had to think of my reactions and where they come from, trying to figure me out. I was furious and told him to think about himself. I told him he had ruined my efforts of seeing my daughter by acting like a child as well. We sat down, I told him to leave me alone. He finally went home. I kind of regretted it because now I was stuck with my daughter. She wandered around and after a while I couldn't get her to get back in the carriage. She refused and I sat in the street for an hour. Finally I loosened up and told her I was sorry, and I understood that she was hurt and angry. She listened and repeated it hesitantly. Then she came closer but screamed when I put her in. I sat down and watched the people go by staring at me some laughing, some curious, some mocking. I took it all in and felt strong not to take it. I spoke to her softly and said I loved her father and we fought and got angry, but I was sorry and he was too. She listened and repeated. Then she went in the carriage and we went home. I hugged my husband gingerly and apologized. He lay on the couch like a stone and said, "I was never allowed to be a kid so I act like one still.." We talked about it. I told him why I got hurt and upset, and that I felt like he reminded me subconsciously of my Mom in childhood where she just never saw my feelings so I felt unheard and had to assert myself. We agreed that we were both unhealthy and needed work on ourselves. First step was healthy environment.