Unable To Shake the Paranoia

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I guess I have been following my subconscious belief system of being disconnected from others recently. I came across Amanda Flaker's video,
Empaths Activate Your Desires before. And she spoke about being aware that your creative side is hampered by guilt, and passion hampered by it's counterpoint shame. Also, empaths need to know that their loving and vulnerability helps the planet now. If only we had physical proof of that... Because I really feel helpless sometimes. Like with my daughter today. I got stuck in a rut of feeling like she'll never feel loved because my husband and I were not in "love"... But love needs to be born out of responsibility for one another. It's not easy to see.

Joe Soll's book made me see how loving and attuned people can really be. How he and his friends truly were there for each other, and how he was able to call out when people took advantage of him. He was strong. And how he knew he needed a therapist to cry to a few days a week. It made him more caring to others.

I need that more, the community. I need to actually connect deeply with others. Through my adoption story. He said he got many enemies that were scared of his openness to adoption being trauma. He said closed adoptees feared the fear itself that came with facing their pain. It tore me up a bit thinking about them.

Anyway in the pizza shop today I realized that I wanted to be friendly but I didn't know how to because I feel so bad about myself in front of others. It is a trigger and ptsd symptom from feeling alien in the past. I want to connect but am scared of other's imaginary daggers. And as my husband and I spoke about, I jump overboard in thinking my daughter doesn't connect to me the minute I ignore her...  Scary

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