When we Deny Ourselves Things Get Blurry

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The more I face in me the happier I am. Being adopted and how I was treated in the aftermath really screwed up my mind and how I see others. It is important to see how. To fix it and not keep it happening.

I was thinking more about how I don't let myself trust that others care, and I see that when I don't care myself, I attract the same on others and spend time trying to get them to see my unmet needs. Adoptees are the biggest energy suckers when they are not real about their needs. So I was thinking I would make it a business to bring up adoption flat out inorder to show people what I need. I do need to talk about it, no matter what people say about that. Such as my adoptive sister saying that I have no right to complain, never talking to me at her house, always belittling me. It is because she sees my pain and ADD behaviors as a weakness that is intolerable, meaning she can only have happy and productive people who entertain her around. And it is false and horrid, because she hurts people who are in pain. I can say that and it is okay to discern who people are, it is vital for my sanity and health.

My adoptive mother totally gas lights me when she says that she didn't think she had to have a deep emotional connection with my father when they got married, and that he was okay. I tried too hard to convince her otherwise, that my father was unhealthy and she attracted him because of her own self-image, and she denied it and said it was just genetic. She cannot see her fault anywhere. And she is too scared to face my pain of adoption because she thinks she has to fix people. I used to be that way and couldn't be honest when others were too much for me so I denied them their right to feel the way they did. So it is bad for me to be around her.

The main thing I need is honesty about my feelings, and then other relationships will work out.

I am fragile and delicate, can feel all feel everything. I get to think hard about what I want to do and where to go. I don't have to rely on others at all for my happiness. I can chose who to let in.

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