Adoptees and Trust

Richard Grannon said in How to work through self sabotage that we often learn through abusive narratives absolutes about what is good and bad, and we develop thoughts of ourselves through that, such as that people who do this are bad so I am bad. Or, every time this happens it means this. It causes us to self sabotage because we frequently doubt ourselves. Whenever we get to this point we need to notice and question it.

It made me think. I often do this, always putting myself down when things go bad. Such as, if I want to eat I get mad at myself and say people who like eating too much are sinners. And then I sabotage my whole mood. Or when I can't relax, I get angry at myself and say people who are tense are negative or bad mothers. And the cycle goes on. I have soo many absolutes in my mind it makes me spin. Another one is that the minute I seem needy or ask for something, or talk about myself, I start jumping into the other person's mind and think that they must be annoyed or fed up with me.

I was connecting this to adoptees and how we don't trust other people from early on. We don't find ourselves worthy of other's attention. We can connect to G-d because we can convince ourselves that someone created us and sees us, but when it comes to actual living in the world, we can't connect to people. Can't trust that other's care. But at the same time, you can't really be spiritual if you feel at odds with the rest of humanity. It is good in a way because it means you do not worship or put all your reliance on people, and understand that only G-d is there fully for you. Unlike some people who grow up with their parents and subconsciously are still relying on their method of conditional love, and give up on expecting more than that but stick with people like that all their lives. I see them as naive and not trusting in unconditional love, and thereby not giving it themselves.

I saw that I need a lot of reassurance to truly trust others. I saw straight out that my father loved me, and it was the best feeling. If I could have it all the time, whenever I needed it, I think I can begin to believe it. It goes the same with others. If they prove to me that they care, and when they are out of sight they still want to see me, I may believe them.

So in a way it is good that I don't rely on people for love, and I know I need it. Now I have to keep that in mind and try to form true connections.