Anger With No Bounds

-

This anger won't kill me. My Dad won't meet me because he is scared of leaving work early even though his boss said he could for me. He values his work more than me. It is soo infuriating. We also planned to meet too sometime in the morning one of these 2 days that I have left. And I was so excited I could barely sleep. And I jumped up when my daughter felt my excitement so she couldn't sleep. So when he said could we meet later, after I had tried him 10 times and he finally called back, I was exhausted and just said okay.

But I had written on a paper before he had managed to call me back, that maybe I hated him. And it resonated. I did not love him like I thought, it was just a hunger and curiosity of my whereabouts. When I wrote with my left hand, as I heard it helps bring out the inner residing feelings, I did not have anything to write. It hurt so bad. I honestly just wish he would be the one chasing me instead of me running after him like a sad dirty puppy. And if the man who carelessly abandoned me truly loved me. Even though he took me out twice with his girlfriend earlier. But maybe it was not for me after all. Maybe it was all for him to be with his friend.

I am so angry I am having all these negative thoughts. And my daughter is infuriating me by her jumping and neediness on me. I hate how she clings to me, it feels suffocating. I can't be there for her now when I feel so empty myself. Even after I listened to the Warming the Stone Child by Pinkola Estes yesterday. And she spoke about how resilient we are and how important it is for us to know we have our heat inside that could be activated anytime by ourselves being out own mother. And parable stories how orphans had survived with their own warmth.

I feel like I am torn apart and broken. To top it off, when I told my half sister that I was here for 2 more days if she wanted to meet, she feigned having no clue I was still in town and even said she wasn't sure she could meet me. I was beyond hope at all so I just said no problem. The abbreviation for it- np. She wanted to play that game with me, I was not having it and I'd leave first. She hasn't even looked at my text from last week saying that it was hard for me to stay but I was, and I was hoping to see her. My daughter is screaming her head off annoyingly, because I need space so I went downstairs to my room leaving the door open for her. I really wish there were others around to help her. It is also greatly stressing me out that she feels isolated with her own pain of being ignored and pushed away by me from my anger and pain.

I feel like I'm in hell. I really need help before I give up on my father and entire birth family and tell him I was not interested. He should be the one making effort, because I was the infant baby when they left me the first time. I don't want to wait around buying pastries here all day and waiting for him. In this big empty house and friendless country where they don't even look out for pedestrians when they zoom turning the corner.

I really feel like calling him and telling him I don't want to see him. I feel like he went against my boundaries by treating me like an afterthought to his work. I don't know how to react rationally at this. I feel like he pulled the rug from under me. It makes no sense because I would not have cared so much had it been someone else. I guess the need to know my father throws it off balance and that is normal. I just don't get how he has no emotional feelings about me at all. He claimed he does and seemed enamored by me, but that could have all been in my head. It feels devastating, worst than death.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more