Aware Parenting Control Patterns and Withholding Nursing to Cry

I took my daughter out and traveled a bit to get supper. I just wanted to get out of that house too. It was peaceful and I liked the commute, alone. I like being alone when I can't be with my birth family because it is the only way I feel myself here.

I was worrying about my daughter the whole time. As I ate my sandwich with her next to me jumping around, I noticed that she did absorb my feelings. I tried to be natural and not over enthusiastic to compensate my mood. It felt good. I actually was happy in the end.

On the way back, it was dark and the bus wouldn't come. It started raining lightly. I figured she was too tired to wait so long so I called a taxi. I got service and received a message from Anne Michelle answering me about the holding her and not letting her eat to cry. She gave me a very extensive answer about how control patterns did not always apply, and children should never be resisted from breast feeding if they desire it, because it was mother nature's brilliance of a mother's comfort. Withholding it to force them to cry was unnatural. I loved that. I felt like I could finally breathe and live, that Gd took care of me. She said if the baby becomes detached and disorganized then you can see if they need listening to and a cry, but always leave the breast available to go to when needed. I said, yes I will do that and that I often sense she is tense and needs a cry but she gets angrier perhaps when I hold back my breast. She agreed and told me my own background may be coming in the way of being able to sense a mother-child bond because I never had it, and that she can sense that. I should stay with the flow while here visiting my birth family, and be present with myself. And then try to see her.

I was soo appreciative, because I always felt uncomfortable with the holding away from breast to cry. It felt manipulative even if I was caring. Too forceful, especially when I hadn't done my own crying. After all, it is just a book not cut out for every situation and person.

I told my daughter I will not force her to cry anymore and felt renewed love and understanding for her. She was sweetly talking on the street even though it was past her sleep time. Anne said sometimes if you are stressed it's better to go out even if she hasn't slept enough-  because she may sleep outside and it eases her own tension.

I have to keep remembering that I am human and it's okay to be mad and sad. That it is worst to push it away. My daughter can sense it anyway, and it will hurt her if I act happy when I am not. Sometimes I try to be perfect when it is not me, and it is coming from my inferiority feeling shadow.