Needing Validation

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It is very hard to live my life every day when I do not have support. People need understanding and validation in order to thrive. I get neither where I am. It is a struggle this way. I need mirroring especially as an adoptee who never got any emotional feed back since it all happened. I feel crazy most of the time any time I have one extreme feeling. Such as when I want to go out and my daughter is not interested. It is hard to raise a baby in this state, too. I was thinking of how us adoptees learn to shut ourselves away from a young age because we learn that our true selves are forbidden. Therefore we fear attaching to others because we feel they will swallow us whole. Whenever my daughter doesn't listen I feel like she is swallowing me whole. After all I am just a needy child under it all. And boy does she get me mad when she ignores MY needs.

I hope to be able to attach to people in the future. I want to be real and valid. Because living like this feels like no body cares and every one I see is a rival. I feel despised and I despise others. It is uncomfortable.

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