Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus on myself. I was worried about her "rejection" if I ignored her.

I blamed my "parents." I blamed everyone. I seethed silently until I had to do something. And not be distracting myself on the phone or eating. So I sat numbly. My husband came in and was also seething and numb from the day. We talked a bit and he understood what had happened with my parents. I told him to get off his phone when he stayed on it. He listened and even played with my daughter. We both marvelled at how she projected her feelings onto a stuffed monkey and said angry at it like I showed her, and then kissed it like I showed. I realized how true it is that kids really mimic and hold their parents in such strong esteem. It also scares me.