You Were Stolen From Us

It was a dream and now I am back out of it. Trying to grasp it with my bare hands. I met my birth father tonight and it was perfect. He and I are so alike in temperament it is easy. We both are relaxed and non expectant about things. We both try to accommodate each other and make conversation. It is an easy time, walking with my Dad anywhere we want to head.

We went to a small restaurant half a mile away. He had waited for me in the hotel in between our houses for 20 minutes, saying it was fast. He looked fresh in a clean light purple shirt. I wanted to hug him straight off. We talked about our habits, likes and daily life. He was happy I had brought the stroller this time because the carrier hurt my back a bit. He told me he worked 80 hours a week, and was that normal? Every time I felt grateful to him for his care and help, I realized that it was so natural for him. He told me I was his daughter. I told him what I ate that day, and how I got depressed when he couldn't meet me and he explained that it was only because his boss wasn't there so he had to stay in... I said no matter, I spoke to my therapist so I was okay. We ordered some food and I decided not to focus on the food would help me to concentrate on the present and it worked. It was easy because I wanted to listen to every word we said. I did not feel one bit like putting on a show and this time I as really curious and open to him. He told me that had I grown up with them, maybe I wouldn't need a therapist I would be happier. I agreed and told him that adoption made me messed up and unable to trust. He said, that's right you don't trust nobody, it's because you were lied to all your life!! He said he didn't either, except his friend and my mother. He spoke about his mother not raising, and we agreed that it was different because he had to leave but my mother wanted me.  He was sweet and upfront to the waiter. I realized that he adapted to behavior like his girlfriend, and I could learn what he is used to by mimicking her style of confidence and no frills. I liked her style. My father liked how my daughter ate. He even gave her some food and she took it.

I was glad he talked about the heavy stuff, adoption and the emotions. I felt more able to be present this time than last time, so I was open to it. He told me that him and my mother stuck together because she was sad a lot and came to him and he made her happy. I said, as long as you take care of yourself too. He looked serious and said, yes I do... I shower 3 times a day... He said they were robbed when us babies were taken away. It sounded like an old familiar narrative he mapped out to make sense of it. I said birth parents feel very traumatized by it, and have a hard time moving on I read... He said yes, they had it hard for the next few years after, and they still feel bad. He said he and my mother were not sure how I felt. I said I always had problems but didn't know what it was from so didn't think so much about them. Just was always sad and not belonging. He said he saw when I was little when they visited, I was always looking down at the ground. I nodded and said it was because I felt sad. He said that my mother treated me nice he had always liked her. I said maybe materialistically.. I had all I needed besides for true love. Someone that really asked me how I was and cared. They never wanted to admit adoption was an issue for us because it seemed too big so they pretended we didn't feel bad about losing our real parents. He said that he and her had it worst than us because we were so little when it happened. I disagreed and told him about feeling pain all my life but not being able to understand why. I said I just wanted to see them, but not sure exactly why. Just always felt empty before, and they made me happy. I was honest. His face looked very handsome and sweet I wanted to hold it. It felt weird. He smiled at me and said I looked like my mother, but had some Irish blood definitely. I asked how, and he said You're just Irish. I laughed and said, is it because we are kind? And he said, yes, but Irish have a temper... Aside from me I never get angry. I told him I get angry a lot and my brother calls me a b*tch. He was shocked a d said I was like his sister who threw people out of the house. I asked him, are you passionate about anything in life? What do you live for? He said, I just work a lot. (80 hours per week.) I asked, well are you happy about life? He said he never thought about it. We spoke about if I was angry at them, like my siblings seemed to be, and I said maybe a little deep down. He said shocked, but I didn't do nothing! You know that now.. I said, still I Felt abandoned. Told him about my lonely feelings as a child, the primal wound, babies know their mother.. He said, "No," incredulouly. I told him I my childhood was feeling ignored, and crazy, how my brother was spoiled. I told him how I had bad relationships to help myself ... He said respectfully, thoughtfully and empathetically, thanks for telling me this, I didn't know. Now I can know what goes on in your head. I was grateful. I told him I came to see them maybe to help myself and now I became happy because before all my life had been missing love and I read the adoption book. He was happy to be with me now, and kept talking about how it would have been had they kept me and us all. We wouldn't be religious, but wouldn't have all these problems. He said, your adoptive Mom was good she loves you.. I said I don't feel it the bond at all.. Especially because of how she kept me from you and doesn't think it is important for me. He said, it hurts her.

We went to a park and I felt protected and safe with him. I told him I wanted to hug him and sit in his lap was that weird? And he laughed appreciatively and sighed. We hugged tightly and I buried my face in his neck. He felt warm and like a perfect fit. It was like I found my missing piece that I was searching for all my life. I was sad at the thought of leaving. Happy that he understood and was willing to listen. That he needed me too. He said the hug was good.

He walked me to my bus because it was late and he needed to work tomorrow. He said people like being around nice people. I agreed and told him he was. He said his boss was not. He told me my husband needed me. We spoke about how if you are happy with your life, why change it, so he was not interested in meeting someone new to marry. I agreed with him. We hugged again and said it was so nice together, and that he'd be here for me as usual. I gave him the chocolates I had bought him and the bus was there.

I feel weird but tingly as the article about adoption reunions and what they are like. I definitely feel like I know my identity better now, I can feel good about myself. I love my father so much it hurts, and I hope we can keep in touch even though I am going back tomorrow night. I know how much I mean to him now, though.

I feel as he said, that his kindness got passed down to me. I finally believe it about myself, that I have it in me to be kind even though I sometimes get hateful. I told him about my rebelliousness and years going against common rules, and he was shocked. There is so much we still don't know. He told me not to think too much, like he tries, because it'll make you crazy. Just sleep. It feels like he reads my mind.

I woke up this morning and realized that it was so great, but can I hold on to it? And trust he is always there? Even though I am leaving for now. I am scared of losing my newfound love and happiness and truth. As usual, my adoptee amygdala brain is worried about the preserving of my good feelings. I feel to solidify it. As The Warming of The Stone Child says, we unmothered children inside know how to survive anything and have great strengths. Because of what happened to us and we survived. I am very excited about life now.