Emotionless People Are Rigid and Can't Break out Of a Box

Through rigid rules and regiments, we cannot be creative and have childlike love and love. These past few days I have been trying to have a schedule of some sort, to control my life because I feel so out of control. Unfortunately, this included trying to force my daughter to conform to it, and getting extra annoyed with her when she could not comply. I got angry when she didn't sleep last night, when she felt my bubbling feelings under the surface and was just acting them out. But I did not want to see them, because I was in too much pain. Of feeling out of control of things. I lost the point of life- love.

This morning too, after she woke up too early and I had my session, which was very good and validating for me, I took her to go out because I needed structure. The problem was I had where to go, to put my energy into. So I bought a cake for someone we would stay by this weekend while checking out a suburban community. And then I came home, and impatience and annoyance started bubbling. I ate a bit of healthy food, proud of myself for having control, and cleaned a bit. But she wouldn't fall asleep, and I knew it was because of my impatience and restlessness. I figured it was because I needed an outlet for all my feelings, and had none. I ordered a one time rental video to watch about the research of "In Utero" and figured it was something to do. But she was hyper and showing no signs of calming down, and my nerves could not help her, so I started watching some YouTube videos about homeless people.  It gave me insight to human nature and the truth about the world. How rich society can be outright cruel and rejecting of the unfortunate ones. How there is such a gap between them.

My daughter caused me to get angry when she jumped on me, so I passively aggressively shut them door when she was in the kitchen. She shrieked, and I waited a few minutes until I Felt too bad and let her in. I sighed and realized I was being cruel by ignoring her. I decided to wait till I calmed down enough. She sat down and read her book cutely and stared at the pages. It is so cute when she says my name and tries to get me to play, like this morning when she started jumping and said "Jump!" and tried getting me up. She has a spontaneous sweet heart. Joe Soll told me that the next time I get angry, I should take it out in better ways, such as by writing it out or whispering it. He said it only made sense that I didn't know how to control my anger, because of what happened to me as a baby and so on... I agreed.

I started watching this weird, eccentric Youtuber named Emilia Fart. She was witty and hilarious and spot on, and I got her humor. She was ironic and had a way of making everything she said hilarious with her quips. She had given up on society and did her own thing, which consisted of doing what she wanted and acting silly for laughs. She wore a sheet folded in half up to her chin, boas, and silly eye shadow. She walked around embarrassing herself,  and did it with flourish that made everyone laugh or cause reactions. I understood it, it is what we do when we hide behind the pain of reality and have to pretend everything is hilarious because it helps us get by. Someone even wrote in the comments: Now we know that Gd is still with us thanks to Emilia Fart. I think it was so true, because we often become robotic amidst all the hollow relating due to the rat race of living in society, and forget who we are. People like her bring back play and sense in the point of it all.

So I picked up my daughter and gave her my love. I know she always waits for it, and she would never give up no matter what. I think that is what we all do, when things are bad... We always have a spark of hope that we will be okay. That we are loved deep down for ourselves. So I can learn from my daughter to never give up. Those who lose hope are the sad ones, I saw on Instagram. We keep fighting, because no trauma can kill us. We can get through any childhood abuse, just by looking at it and renewing our self-love. So I don't feel hopeless for my daughter, and I renew my love for her and stroke her lovingly. She shrieks painfully at the reminder of how much I hurt her now that it's over, and I apologized. I tell her over and over again that I love her no matter what, and I didn't mean to hurt her. Hopefully she will heal. I think about how grateful I am for her spontaneous, cheerful heart that shows me emotions and how to not get stuck in rigidity. I hope to never get stuck in a box again, and remember the point of life.

It is kind of gaslighting to her to be down all the time, because she feels like she is bad and the cause of it. That is what happened to me as a kid, because my "mother" used to lose her temper on me and beat me up. Poured soap in my mouth when I was 6 for saying a bad word. When I told Joe Soll, he said sorry that that happened, and that do I know that she is the one who was wrong and bad, and not me? I said yes. And that that was abusive. I nodded and said how it made me feel- sad.