Feeling Misunderstood - Bridge the Gap

I have a big issue. I feel stifled in a box by my birth and adoptive brother, ever since I can remember and it affects me deeply. He sees me as foreign and overly religious and does not understand me. He has hurt and insulted me over the years that I am deeply traumatized by him.

I feel like everyone sees me this way too now. I myself have trouble believing in myself and my values. I feel I am a fraud and it makes me feel like garbage. I stoop so low that I become paranoid of everyone's actions to me, and need to run away from myself with eating. I am scared of facing this shame so deeply.

The best feeling in life is to feel understood. I am seeking understanding of myself. Maybe from others too much. Others who were supposed to have mirrored me as a child did not, and it made me prone to self despair and illusions about my self worth. Because often in my down states, I have none. It is only when I am doing something useful that I feel worth. And when I am not, anxiety creeps in and I start to imagine the million things I should be doing. And I feel toxic levels of shame. So much so that I can not even do anything at all. And then all the feelings of the past haunt me. The words my brother used against my attempts at being spiritual (because it went against what he wanted to see), my mother's disapproval, now all my sister's, and so on. My birth mother told me today that she likes me as I am, and I was floored.

But I digress. I also find that whenever I try to get my opinion or feeling out when it disagrees with another person's, I feel like a fraud. Like my words must be false. That's why I sometimes become aggressive. I feel like if other's don't see it, I must be mistaking my own feeling/value/truth.

I have such a hard time seeing myself. I am oversensitive to any perceived hurt or disagreement to me. I feel shut down and untrusting of all of humanity. Of course it is hard for me to see and believe in G-d. But I think, for the reason being that I am religious, that I have to know it all the time, and if not I am a fraud. This puts me down so much and I feel like hiding or pretending I am not religious at all. But I would like to tell everyone that I am human, and far from perfect. My brother has spat in my face many times that I am a religious fanatic, unable to see others, selfish, etc. It has deeply wounded me. I am sick of trying to live up to an ideal stick figure and want to be taken off this pedestal. But it feels so deeply etched in my psyche. I am letting it go.

I want to be known and validated for who I am. I believe that G-d loves all His creatures, and that even when we sin we still have a chance at fixing it. It is so not fair that the ones who are trying are seen as overly religious and not understood for what they are actually. 👎body is perfect, if we were we wouldn't be here struggling. I want all my Jewish brothers and sisters, religious fully or not at all or partially (like me) to reach out and understand one another. Then we can all help each other succeed and become healthier. Yes that is what I am calling better- healthier, because I relate to it as emotional health to be close to G-d in this world. Because it means having happiness from knowing your self-worth.