Feeling Parental Love For Children

Sometimes my daughter doesn't do what I want her to such as sleep for her nap so I can go out with my husband for his birthday. And I stall and wait till she is ready. I got a bit annoyed today when she spilled a drink of wine when I tried to take it away from her. I went into my room for some space and let her stay outside with my husband. She whimpered but I ignored.. And then my husband said she was really sad. I came out and sat down and she was reacting stubbornly not looking at me. I felt she didn't love me anymore so I tested her by saying, "I don't like you." I said it not seriously because I felt she was thinking it. She ignored seemingly. Finally I picked her up and we played silly hand and mouth games and she laughed a lot something she likes to do with me to release tension. I wondered how long this would go on. And if we would not have time to go out. It bothered me that she hadn't slept in 7 hours. Suddenly, I told her, I love you and she shrieked with pain as if I had slapped her. I thought hmm interesting and kept saying it. Each time I did she cried bitterly. I realized that she was too hurt to hear it and she had blocked it out of her mind because she was hurt when I said I didn't love her. She understood. She is not dumb. I was relieved, at least I knew the problem now.

I held her tired sad face and repeated I love you again. She cried and when I stopped she stared blankly away from me. It reminded me of how I feel when I am so sad I feel numb and no one can help me. So I held her lovingly, and felt sad for her. I felt like she needed full love and me not to ignore her. I held and stroked her, telling her I loved her. She cried brokenly again, and I felt awful.

I guess toddlers do need their mother more than anything. They are sensitive we don't realize. I read an article about how to know your toddler loves you, and it said that they'll run from you because it shows they trust you to catch them or be there when they are gone. Also, when they dawdle on the street because they love to be with you for longer. Also, they give you "gifts" that they find great such as sticky candy, because they think you will be happy and want you to. It was soo sweet and now I see how mothers are the entire world to toddlers. It makes me want to try to be there better for her, and appreciate her feelings for me.

I said to her in a singsong voice, "I love you" over and over and she fell comfortably asleep. It amazes me how my voice means so much to this small human. I stroked her cheeks and hummed. She lay back contently.

I had spoken to my Dad for the third time now since I got home, a week, and he did not seem as loving as before. He even was ready to hang up right away. It hurt but I realized it was not my fault, and maybe the emotions were too much and he was going through a cooling down period. He did say call me back anytime. I also feel weird sometimes, cuz we barely know one another, so I don't feel like talking always. It is sad and weird. Especially when I mentioned that my adoptive mother told me that the social worker took us because they wanted to put us in a healthy home, and my birth mom was not up to being a mother. He agreed and mentioned the weather being muggy. I said it was humid here too, but not raining. Now it is raining and thundering.

I feel like it is not always loving with child-parental relationships, but that we need to reinforce the feeling of love by being verbal and giving to one another. That is why I feel like he was in a bad mood and not himself today, because he does love me but does not show it at times.