Hope of Love

Today was hellish trying to hold onto myself, but I managed and learned a lot of life lessons. About myself, I learned that it's okay to not have all the encouragement needed from others, because it helps me face it myself and validate my pain inside, thus feeling fully there for myself. Which is the best feeling in the world. Because I know how hard it was for me, and I overcame it myself.

I also learned that my daughter... Always believes in my love and it is such a powerful feeling. And need for her. It awes me every time I see it, how much I impact her. It makes me feel worthy of having my own needs of having my love from my parents validated. But this is only because I face the feeling. I imagine that mothers who do not think their children need their love cannot trust the bond and that is where the abuse cuts.

I know that many parents are like that, sadly. I am just lucky to know it's truth, and feel our bond daily. Sometimes, though it takes all day for me to believe in. When I feel down, and hate myself for having needs and what I deem "wrong" feelings, I can project it onto her and think I am not good enough. This is where religion screwed me up a lot. All the teaching about being demonic and having "bad" behaviours.... And it comes from never having myself first. I have to have my ego before I can grow in the first place. For example, if I don't feel worthy of love, how can I expect myself to hold back in having fun because it is wasting time and not doing what would be productive? This is self abuse.

I do it to my daughter too, when she has painful feelings and does not feel connected to me. She starts dawdling in the street, wanting to walk away from me, and I get angry with her. I force her to come along, and we fight. She is not ready to listen, because her feelings are not being heard. This can easily turn into an abusive situation, with me further wounding her by yelling at her. I remind myself that she is not trying to be hurtful to me, and try to compose myself to validate her pain. Once I did that, she is more open to working with me. Teal Swan said that in relationships, we want 100% commitment to one another's needs, and to know that we'll never be abandoned no matter what. My daughter and I each need to be heard for the relationship to be authentic. And obviously, I do not want a narcissistic child, who learns that they are the main person in the relationship and not to see that other's have needs. My adoptive mother caused this to happen to us, when she thought she had to give us all we needed in order for us to be happy, and she never felt she was enough for us. Therefore, it is hard for me to see others in relationship. And I think that I am the only one. It is hard for me to feel connected to the world because of this.

Anyway, I am rambling. I held my daughter and she cried angrily and helplessly. I knew she was spinning out of control, from earlier at how I had totally ignored her and focused on myself. I felt sorry and told her so. But it wasn't enough to feel sorry, I also had to validate her pain. She cried angry tears that I felt inside my deepest self at the unfairness of how my mother left me. I held her tightly, vowing to never let go. I envisioned myself at her age, and tried hugging her too. It was extremely hard, because she was so resistant and in pain. I tried, and loved her. My daughter fell asleep as I swayed back and forth deep in thought. I was surprised at what I had done, and felt renewed belief in myself. My love. It was real and meant a lot to this baby of mine.

I thought of how she would feel as an adult, with this knowing of my love and awe for her. It keeps me going. When the times get hard, I think of the future reward that I cannot see in the present.

About how love needs to be 100% commitment on both ends in order for the person to feel safe. I have this knowing from my birth father. It is deeply spiritual and cannot be held physically, so I know it is there. Adoptees do not know love is there with their adoptive mothers, as we spoke about on instagram adoptee's pages. Because they do not validate or pay attention to our true feelings. This is the main trauma, as Joe Soll says in his book Adoption Healing.... The secrecy and non allowance for grief keeps the trauma in place. Adoptees need to know that they will be loved by someone unconditionally, because they often never had it. We have to admit to our pain in order to let ourselves heal though.