I am Not Broken, Just My Thoughts Were

I am not a defective doll. Neither is any one else.I woke up realizing this. How I used to see the world as if I was unfixable... As Joe Soll told me yesterday, I thought I was broken but really it was my thinking because of adoption. My mother thought since I was not bonding so it was her fault, so I thought it was my fault because I didn't have validation that my feelings were ok. So I internalized that I was broken. But it was my heart that was broken. Joe told me to keep reminding myself that everything's okay... Say the quote he made up. To change my thoughts when I start feeling worthless, but better 60 times a day at least. I told him my brother thinks that he is broken forever from the adoption, I sense it. He said that may be, and grateful adoptees think it's to painful to face in their subconscious. He said I was brave for telling my mother about my not bonding conversation.

I met my birth mother yesterday it was lovely. I was casual and let her be herself no pretenses. She was quiet but content. It was unconditional love. We both held my Daughter's hand in the park and I felt elated. Iconic moment I tried to capture. She tried to feed me lots and I understood. I thought about how Joe Soll said she was a victim. We went to my father's house and he opened up happily and led us in.. Had nice chat. Laughed about our looks, same noses. They call each other their funny nicknames. My birth mother didn't like the banana muffins I brought for them at the last minute, she explained that she was fussy. I was ok. My b father said he wants them. Daughter was quiet I think tired from the traveling still, even though she slept half the day lol. We rushed our to get supper. All I ate that day was oatmeal with cinnamon and some muffin and I felt good.

Went to the Pizza shop we always visit near their house. Walked there. He spoke about how they would always live close to one another, because they belong next too each other. I felt bad for them but didn't say. I loved how accepting and loving they were I was on a cloud. We ordered and they act loud and eccentric and I did a bit too and wasn't shy. I am their daughter. They are nice enough and the attendant was kind. We ate and shared food. When my daughter babbled to a baby in high chair across us, we chatted with the family nonchalantly. I enjoyed being myself without pretenses. I told them these were my birth parents and I was adopted, because we looked from different worlds. They were nice. I was proud of myself. Felt slightly fearful of saying it but I told myself to be okay. We left and waited for taxi that they insisted I take because my daughter was sleepy. They gave me money. Before I got in they kissed me and my dad said, you're leaving just like that? We laughed but all felt it. My birth mom worryingly said when will I see you again? I reassured her next week. I was here for another week at least, depending on my money supply. And what happens with my husband... They said they'd give me money and food. I laughed. It was all so natural.

Got back, daughter was a bit out of sorts and babbling a lot, so I listened to my needs and took a bath with her, listening to a new video out from my adoptee friend. He spoke about the unfairness of the system, and how the birth parents secrets are out so they can forget their shame for having a baby... and he need the truth to be out in order to change things. Because the adoption system didn't work and screwed a lot of people up. My husband said he went to his parents when I asked him what he did for supper, and I was peeved but ignored it. I had to focus on myself, and there was just too much there.

We went to bed and I was on my phone and she fell right asleep. I couldn't believe my luck. Maybe it was my casualness and not heckling her? I was so full of feeling elated and unsure of things I could not fall asleep. I texted a friend from home and she was curious and caring. I didn't know if it was sincere but was happy to hear her concern. I didn't need anyone, though and felt okay alone. If not a bit sad but it was better than running from myself. Like I used to. Tiredness was taking over and I figured I'd process everything overnight.

I love not taking life for granted and enjoying every moment. Trying to live in the present.

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