Leaving Town

I am heading back home now on the bus. Daughter didn't sleep all day because she sensed my nerves. I was soo worried and particular about packing all my things and having enough time with them. I felt myself trying to hold everything but I couldn't, and I was out of control. I had tried soo hard that morning to seem good but I wasn't. I was stressed and the hostess was not my business in what she thought of me. Went out to a park to soak in the weather and meditate but I was too excited about yesterday. I drank my store bought coffee and played with my baby. She was so excited to make a friend with another toddler, but the girl was very defiant and gave her untrusting looks. My daughter flitted around nervously. I felt bad so I took her, but then it rained and I had to fight with her to get in the carriage and my voice was so dejected I almost cried. I took a shower, cleaned, and then ate lunch with my baby and she actually took bites I gave her. But I tried to get her asleep but it didn't work. I realized that it wouldn't if I didn't think it would. I predicted it. I felt too out of control and got angry. Because it was too late for her to sleep if I wanted to meet my parents at all before I left. I was furious when she kept babbling and fumbling. I felt like she was not listening and going to sleep and ruining my time. I put her hands down and she popped them up again, and I lost it and shook her Back and forth. She burst out crying and I felt like a demon. By then I couldn't stop the anger. I ran upstairs and sat on a ball in the couch and cried bitterly. Airy sobs. She tried coming to me again and giggled but I ran away because I felt too angry. I realized I had a right to be upset, like Joe Soll said it was the hardest thing to do to face our emotions about adoption. I had no support ready for me either. I sighed and begged for things to change. I finally decided to just go, as it was my last chance for a while. My heart hurts thinking about not seeing my father's face again for a while.

I took buses, feeling free. But it rained and time was getting closer, my practical birth mother was right that it wasn't so much time. I got furious at my daughter again on the bus, when she took her time to follow me off it. I may have raised eyebrows and I felt awful. Like scum again. As my birth dad said, what is the point in getting angry? It's not going to make things better. I was nervous that he wouldn't be happy with me. I took my daughter and her diaper smelled so we had to stop in the pizza shop to change. I figured I'd get supper there too, and then worried about the lost money that my baby played with in the host's house and how I would explain to them for them to give it back. I got ice cream and must have looked crAzy waiting desperately for my pizza while my daughter was not listening to me and I was trying to bribe her with it. I threw it out when it was half done because I felt full. Finally she went outside and refused to sit in the stroller and got her feet all wet in the rain.

I finally got there and felt awful when birth mother waited outside. But she didn't get mad and told me it was okay. We sat quietly and I felt I had nothing to say. Did not feel much. Wanted to see dad. We called but he didn't answer. I left a message. She asked me why I wasn't eating more, and I was embarrassed to eat much cuz of last time her comment to my father. She also pushed my daughter's hand down when I used the phone and we were hurt. She said I don't care. My father came in 20 minutes in and he was beaming and said he got my message, he had been sleeping. He hugged me hugely and I smiled. Showed him the videos of my dancing and they were both so impressed. He said I have his moves. My mother called it sexy I was mortified and covered my face and it. He said it's perfect. I was enthralled that we moved the same way.

We hugged and I called taxi. It felt a bit boring and I felt like it was my fault. I felt drained because I didn't know what to say. He took a video of me and asked me questions and I caught on that it was a video and I was so happy but shy. I told him to stop and he said, "When will I see you again? I want to remember you.." I was so happy. I had even sat on his lap in the house when I thanked him for letting me give away the candle his friend bought for me that I didn't want because it was too heavy. He made me take a picture of a picture of him at a rink. He was taking pictures of us outside and it was fun, especially when he picked my daughter up. We all laughed and he said I had his features when I said I didn't think I looked like him. My mother was quietly following my baby not to let her run off, and I told her it was okay. She was independent. My father said that's true, she was so good in the restaurant yesterday. I thanked him and he said to call him when I get back. I gave them both cold kisses I was so warn out and not myself. They waved till I left.

I did call him at the host's, and he said will you keep in touch. i half jokingly said I don't know. He laughed and said what ? Surprised by my humor. He said he'd visit, we'd have plans. I said okay hollowly. We said I love you and I hung up. To the host I said thank you I won't forget what you did for me... She didn't answer. She said I was an easy guest, as if she had to do this work. I felt she always worked too much for others so felt uncomfortable taking. I felt the plant I bought her was not enough. My mother gave her more potatos and vegetables and her husband laughed when I gave it to him and I felt it diminished her pride. I was hurt. Were they too rich to want potatos?

Anyway I left and walked myself to the bus because I wanted alone time. She felt so bad and gave my daughter a huge doll that she gives her grandchildren for the bus. She waved us off and told me to text her to tell me when I get home.

Feel unsure of myself and saddened at leaving my birth parents. Hope life will be okay now. Hope