Let Down From Birth Father

I am so sad I was devastated when my father was too tired to meet. Shame over my neediness and hollowness at his words threw me off and I barely mustered an okay. I was so excited to call and maybe meet him after my daughter woke up from her nap at night, when I usually try to go out. Especially here when I am leaving soon. I began imagining that he got disgusted with my neediness, or thought I was too "easy" because of my compliments on how he was a good person and could get women. He said I was being funny, but I felt it was true and that maybe he was too stuck in feeling not goos enough. I now see that maybe it was weird of me. I had just made a pact with myself not to tell people how they should feel, because it so hurt me when people told me how I am. I also told him that I didn't want to leave, that I didn't miss my husband that much that I would want to go home. He said, No! He's your husband, he needs you.. You love him. All couples fight. I felt like he'd never understand and my throat became swollen again that I couldn't explain. I feel like I am fake cheery with him. We said we'd meet one morning before I go, just me and him. At least he said that.

I went out because I felt it was too depressing to stay in, after all my excitement. But I didn't want to go far because I was a bit tired and felt dumb. However I would have wanted to visit my father. I thought of still going but did not want to seem desperate and annoy him. It was not good boundaries since he had said no. But I began to feel really rejected, and even though he told me he loved me and liked me visiting earlier today and enjoyed yesterday, I felt pathetic and uninteresting to him. All because he had said he was tired and not tonight. It was late and he had worked hard. I walked home with some bananas and peanut butter and chocolate to comfort myself, but felt tears slipping and I wanted to burst into tears but I didn't. My daughter sensed it and acted overly needy and caring to me, too.

I was thinking how this taught me not to take his love for granted, and that I had been too ecstatic about it. He was probably acting normal and sensing my over enthusiasm may have worried him. He did say, are you okay? When I answered him glumly at the end. He told me to call my husband to talk to, and it felt like a slap in the face, unintentionally I knew. He also acted like my adoptive mother loved me and I needed her too, which I quickly corrected. I said how she never understood my needs for meeting them. He sounded very disappointed.