Mixed up Day

I woke up Friday and wanted to go shopping at a mall to get some needed items, and I had to make it back in time. I was worrying about it and got my daughter up, even though she was still tired. Had an awkward conversation with the host, who always gives to me and tries to please a little too much and I feel like she needs something in return and I don't know what. I also feel unworthy of her kindness and like an intruder so I try to rush out as soon as possible. So I left with instructions how to get there, and take the carriage because it was blazing hot outside. My daughter wouldn't get in though after a half hour. I tried talking to her but ultimately got too impatient when it got later and she was roaming the other people's property. I grabbed her and spoke harshly because I lost it. I quickly apologized and we tried again. I decided to go to a closer mall ten minutes away by bus to save time but my shadow got to me and I got nervous and tried to seem okay and be perfect. I finally shoved her into the carriage even though she didn't wanna go and she cried angrily so I took her out after a minute, but by then she was willing to go back in. I walked to the bus stop apologizing the whole time. Felt like garbage. Took the bus but got off the wrong stop, because I saw a small mall but it was not the one I needed. Asked for direction and the woman told me laughing that it was too far to walk. I sighed and asked someone else. She, friendly, told me to catch the bus that was coming that would take me in the direction needed. I got on, but my bus card had expired and the driver was about to open the door for me but I desperately told him I had just been on a different bus and it took me to the wrong place. He warned me that I can stay on the bus but risk getting fined. I stayed and then realized I had no clue where I was going so I asked the driver when to get off for the mall. He gave me a very muffled answer and I didn't pester him anymore. Waited for the stop he told me, but didn't realize that it was the one we had just passed. I ended up staying on bus till the end, and I asked a kind woman to help me and she told me where I could find the right bus. I also needed a new bus card and they seemed really hard to find in this country. I almost cried when the store I went into told me they ran out of them. There was no other stores nearly so I went into a big building and asked where there was a pay phone. They told me and told me the address. I was in tears when I couldn't find the payphone and felt like everyone was against me.The car came pretty quick and I did my affirmations and tried to calm myself with knowledge that this was temporary. I ate the banana and biscuit that I bought and my daughter sat on my lap nursing and hyper cranky talking to herself. The driver must have thought we were weird I thought. We got there, in triple the amount of time and money I could have had I taken a taxi straight from my host's place.

It was hot and I had little time and my daughter was cranky. I ran and got stuff in a hurry, and couldn't find a metro card and didn't have change for a taxi. Also I spent more money than I intended for one day, because I needed pajamas and only found them in a more expensive store. I continued on my journey to get change to call a taxi, but when I went to pay for one chocolate nut bar in a shopping center to get change the machine would only take credit card and I almost cried. I walked ahead in the heat and went to a few stores to get a bus card and finally one kind woman told me I could pay with change and she gave me some exchanged. I took it and asked the bus driver if she was going in my direction and she kindly told me no and which bus to take and where. I crossed the street and waited for it, feeling much better. It came shortly after, and I went on exhausted. Held my baby's hand and told her I loved her. We trekked up the hill because we got off too late as the bus went a drop further than I had thought it would go. It was hard but we made it, smelly and just in time.

I felt good that I got through it. It taught me not to take my day for granted and that I was stressed so it came out in my actions. I saw how I was careless and rushed, not really focusing on where I was going. This is what happens to adoptees when they just let life take them away, without putting themselves into it. Because we feel out of control of things. Starting from our birth mothers discarding us seemingly, and having to pass through different hands until we have no clue how to be. I think the night before meeting my birth parents seemed too good to be true, and it didn't truly settle into me so I was worried it was not real. It seemed I was really good because my daughter had fallen asleep so easily in my arms as I was on the phone, but it wasn't truly me and my shadow side of being rejected was still there. It had seemed like a perfect day, from walking in the park chatting with my birth mom, to going to my birth dad's house and laughing, to eating pizza and being ourselves, my birth mother quiet and watching smiling. Then they both kissed me goodbye and sent me off, sad and awaiting to see me again. It was too new for me, and hard to trust. I acted shy and like a child suddenly.