My True Intentions Get Mixed Up

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Feeling like a fake. I woke up yesterday and had revelations about myself that I was not truly living in my body. That I only acted out of what I thought I was. I live my life that way so much that I am used to it. Adoption has done that to me. Now I don't know who I am. I realized that I don't always make my own decisions, that I am not chosing everything, that I am a victim and living under safety of following the society's expectations of me.

That is what happens to us adoptees, when we are raised specifically to fulfill our adopters' wishes. We don't own our actual persons, and always feel indebt to them for giving to us. Our emotions are not even our own, and we have to cover them up when not appropriate for the situation. Therefore we forget or never know what is us and other's.

I read Maddeline Hattuer's Facebook, because I was trying to find her after her blog was taken down. I discovered she did it because she did not want to give her emotions away to those who disrespected her. It was bad for her health and I understand. I do it all the time, because I do not have clear boundaries between what is mine and what I can share with others. Just making this blog is evident with that. And my instagram. I thought I was doing it for rightness, but then again I can never truly know what I truly intend because my emotions were so twisted and played with. So maybe I am doing it for attention? Attention whore? Wannabe? Psychotic delusional crazy? I wake up emotionally sometimes purely disgusted with myself. I have a tendency of distorting reality. So I never trust myself fully. That's okay when it comes to being open to people, but it is paradoxical when I can slam the door when I forget my own mind and reality. I love and hate at the same time and I am a scary person to be with. But I learned from Maddeline that it is normal in adoptees, and now I can put a word to it. My bipolarism.

But yeah, I realized that I have been hiding away because this embarrassing part of me, my true feelings and weirdness, feels too secretive to expose. And so I do not truly believe in it. And so I cause this blog to not be seen. Like Maddeline said though, she is grateful for her supporters and if she didn't speak her truth it would explode her brain. So maybe I should be doing the same, because that is why I write this in the first place. I need supporters to make myself feel real. Step one. Then maybe I can vicariously accept myself too.

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