New Father Old Father

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Yesterday was depressing, I walked around in a fog. I was tired and cleaned my house using adoptee anger, as Joe Soll told me. I was unsure if he was being truthful when he said "You are a delight." I felt like he thought the opposite.

I went to visit my adoptive father in his nursing home out of guilt, he was lying down sleeping as they played live cheery music in the hall. He looked at peace, for once. I knew he liked music and it may have calmed him. I left my daughter behind his curtain and started crying at his limp body. My father whom I once thought was strong and protective, was only a childhood dream. He was human and broken and it was sad for me to see.

We came back from errands, and she wanted to play with the neighborhood kids who love playing with her. I let her and did not force her to come in when she tantrumed at the door. I sighed and let her be. I continued cleaning, worried about her getting in trouble. Suddenly she appeared with a smile with her dirty hands full glory. I realized that she needed to have her way after the long confusing trip and seeing our house again after 2.5 weeks of being out. I took her and sang her to sleep, I love you. It felt genuine.

When I called my real father that morning and said, I was thinking of you a lot, he said, "Stop it." Laughing. He encouraged me to enjoy my day keep busy. I was impressed how he was up so early. I put down and went to sleep. It felt good that he and I still cared about one another. As I said earlier, this was the feeling I have been chasing subconsciously all my life, primal love of a newborn baby. Like counting all ten fingers and toes to see if they are there. I wonder how long it will go on till I "grow up" and let go. The funny thing is, he also garners attention from me, and loves looking at me and comparing me to himself. For example he said we have the same inner eye bone structure. He also wanted me to take a picture of the picture of him that he thought was cool to have. It is interesting to see how he needs to feel seen too. We are both showing up in the relationship because we both need each other and can help one another. He is the only one who can give me this acceptance. He is my REAL Father and not fake, like my old life. This is my new and real life.

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