Pandering and Pain

-

The weekend was up and down, terrible and wonderful. I ate by the hostess the first night, and didn't say much because I knew they wouldn't see me emotionally and I needed it. The next day I went to my adoptive aunt and she chattered on about herself and her grandkids and funny jokes about them. They are her world, and she and her husband are set in their ways. Very predictable but comfortable as my childhood. I finally told them about adoption and trauma and they were convinced. Only when I told her I did not need her fixing, as she tried to teach me to not think about my pain, she stopped and let herself understand and take it in. I told them about the issues in enmeshment and survivor families, being compared to how adoptees feel, and showed them in the book Journey of The Adopted Child. They loved to keep going back to how we all have baggage and time to move past it to raise own family, but I got them good by saying how I can't start anywhere if I have no beginning and brought it back to how they at least knew their roots. She agreed, he snored. Or pretended to. When it was time to leave, he bounded up and put my daughter in her stroller for me. I thanked them and they said sure and made candid jokes about my husband missing me. It was a bit draining for me to try to get them to understand. Even though it somewhat worked.

My birth sister's adoptive sister had came to remind me to visit her, so I went and it was awful. Tension and both of us wanted to bolt, even though she claimed I felt like a half sister. When I spoke frankly about my adoption trauma and need to know, she didn't get it and told me my birth sister was happy as she was without facing it... Maybe I should pursue it and do shallow talk with her.. I said I was not doing that in my life anymore, and needed people who accepted me. She spoke about her sister needing a good image and perfect friends and popularity and how therapy was bad in their mother's eyes... I had enough and had to leave. Told her it wasn't her I just needed to protect my heart. She told me she saw me in a small sad voice, acting like I abandoned her. I said sorry I have to go. She half joked would you never come back now? I said only if you change your way of seeing things. She acted happy and chipper again, and I was stone quiet and bid goodbye. Came back exhausted, both slept. Woke up disheveled, had difficult evening. Went to the park to air out, tried telling myself the affirmations that "I am lovable..." but it made me angrier until I snapped and felt so lonely. I grabbed my daughter because my mood felt unsafe. Needed to get back. Get food and comfort. She screamed and I apologized halfway. Couldn't help my pain.

I realized, if I was going to focus on myself and healing I needed business. I couldn't waver and be close to people like this. I needed to have more confidence in my issues.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more