Regression In Reunion Aftermath

Ok I've been tired for days and it is time to write. Record my states. What happened... I fell apart on Friday night and yelled and choked on my pain with my spouse. I felt angry that he didn't get me and see me. In how much sadness was in me from my hopelessness of leaving my birth parents. I was not aware of it myself so it felt crazy to pretend it was okay. And he was just so focused on himself and ignoring... It was like my adoptive mother reincarnating. I screamed, he screAmed back and made me feel even more isolated for not getting it. He blamed me for being angry and said I had no right to feel angry. I yelled at him that he didn't see me and was selfish. He didn't see how much I needed support for my meeting... And he said all I could think about was my birth parents, but when it came to other people's family it didn't matter. I was shocked. I was quiet because my words felt stuck. It was so awful.

He asked is this because the toddler didn't sleep? I was furious and said no. Couldn't he for once see what I felt? It felt suffocating to be sitting there in pain but pretending I was okay. That things were normal. It was surreal and I had it with fake living.

I ran to my bed and tried with all my might to see his side. To get out of my head. The pain swarm around in front of me, my anguish about being without my father, feeling invisible, feeling like I might die if no one saw me for it all now. I felt like a failure for not being able to control my temper. To self-soothe.

I went back to the kitchen and ate my soup mechanically, feeling like a selfish and mechanical pig. My husband sat on the couch. I went to him and said I was sorry painstakingly, not really sure for what. He said he had been stressing a lot today, because he wanted to move from here. I listened numbly. He told me it was too much to keep meeting the same soulless people daily, it made him feel unseen. I brightened and asked him what he meant when he said I didn't value other people's biological family and need for ties, and he said just like I need to meet my bio parents to feel good, he also wants to be near his, even though there is some unhealthiness there, it makes him feel good. I rolled my eyes and said with distain, I knew you want to live near them. Even though they never saw his feelings growing up. I saw he was in conflict with himself, and wondered what was going on. He explained, Yes his parents aren't the best at validating others, but he feels like he belongs with them. I asked if they still hurt him there, and he said not as much as used to.

I told him my meeting my biological parents was very different, because I never grew up with them so I felt loved when I am with them and need it. Maybe the fight was needed because I was repressing so many of my feelings and it was bound to explode. We both have a hard time knowing our feelings because we are used to them being unimportant/repressed.

I read in Joe Soll's book, Adoption Healing... A path to recovery important things about myself. Such as on page 96, it talks about important things a therapist should raise with an adoptee, like asking them about their relationships, if they believe all babies are lovable, if they acted out. They may not be able to answer, because they may have repressed all those emotions. This is why I have been unsure of my true feelings of love for my parents and anger. Soll explained that adoptees emotions are forced to remain unhealed and so by the time fracturing occurs it becomes a giant, unpredictable ball of scary emotions that is too scary to touch.

On page 115, he writes that reunions are like being thrown from Mars onto Jupiter for the adoptee, and his ego states "change faster than the hands on a clock." His regressive states change so fast that others who don't understand this can't keep up. This is exactly what happened to me recently, and it has taken me a few days to realize what happened.

I also blew it on my adoptive mother, whom I finally met at my father's bedside in the nursing home yesterday. I told her about my birth father and meeting, which she seemed very uptight about. She acted like it was not a big deal by saying, "So now you are happy with yourself?" As if it was my final meeting. I told her how it made me sad to see how I lost them, and they actually made me feel valid as a person because I finally saw that they did love me. She was subdued. I was reading the adoption book to her a bit,  because that is just what I do to express myself. She was getting all scared, and unsure of what to say. She often acts like she expects other people to want, but this time I pointed it out to her. I read about how the adoption agencies should respect everyone in adoption better, by being informative about the truth of the loss baby and natural mother are going through. She looked blank, and went hm. And nodded. I told her about how when I was by my childhood family friend in the town we grew up, the mother told me, "Your mother always knew the best way to treat you,"  when I mentioned that I only now met my birth family for the first time because my adoptive parents didn't want me to know them. I expressed my shock at her ignorance and thinking she knew what she was talking about, and my mother said yes. I asked her if she agreed with the woman, and she said, "Well I can see where she is coming from... I did do the right thing I think because it would have been too much for you." I blanched and said, "WHAT?   Did you not listen to anything I just read?..." She said, yes, confused. I said, It clearly says that a baby needs to be helped with their trauma and healing because evidently they DO know their birth mother and need her love. That adoptive parents were not enough. I shrieked, "You just adopted us to be a parent, didn't you? You never cared about our feelings. Just gave us every thing and ignored the pain, even though you KNEW it was there. You were selfish and wanted everyone to think you were a saint..." She stared at me angrily and retorted, "Yes that was why I adopted you." Sarcastic. I told her,  It was true wasn't it? You wanted us for yourself to have a perfect number of kids.. You wanted us like pets. To be yours. Not seeing our needs. She was furious and said, Yes whatever you say. I can't talk to you about it.. My voice shook with anger and I said again how she never cared. I said, "You never rrad this book- You have it but you won't read it- I KNOW you don't care! You lied!" I pointed my finger at her, having a meltdown. My father was staring at me in a cold, soulless way that spooked me. I would have thought it was because I was bad in the old time, but now I knew I had broken an unspoken breech, of not mentioning my feelings of hurt and saying what they did to me. How selfish they were in stealing us to be their picture perfect children. I told her that the social worker had LAuGHED when they won the babies and my birth parents were broken, and she said in her fake incredulous, "No! She wouldn't have laughed. They just wanted a safe home for the children to be raised in." And as usual, she made me feel stupid with her practical logic. I told her I hate her with the truth in my body, and she didn't flinch.

They wanted me to leave, the silence was thick as stone. I just walked out without a word.

Today, my mother texts me, I am sorry for all your pain. I don't answer because I know she can't deal with it and so I don't need her empathy.i am still angry.