Speaking Up About My Deepest Shame

What a weekend. All my feelings where spilling out and I had anxiety about how to be with my hostess. I was eating dinner by them at night, and I told myself to be real as I am and not let their shallowness get me down. She was smiling and cooing anxiously at my daughter, as Anne Michelle my baby therapist said that people who are anxious inside do that and babies can tell. I encountered it a lot with people here. The husband gave me closed off vibes. I felt awkward but tried to make eye contact. I then decided to open up, and told them about aware parenting. The hostess was very willing to listen, and reminded me of my mother in how she seemed empty and fed off other people's talking. I told her about how children feel energy, are extremely intuitive, and shame to them in any way it makes them feel small, and traumatized them. She agreed. I said when we ignore their feelings they lose connection to themselves, like me in adoption. She was very understanding and kind, saying all comforting words. I felt she was very motherly. I told her how I began changing, and she wad very curious and told me I was strong for doing it on my own. She was proud when I told her how G-d truly listened to me when I cried and sent me my husband. She understood about my relationship with the narcissist before that, and I explained how it was my traumatized self that was seeking to be loved by what I was used to and it broke me, but made me realize that I needed to fix my inside because I found out that I was codependent and needed to develop self. She was impressed, and told me we all had problems with it. She said even natural children can feel unloved and have trouble in life, and that it was good that I worked on myself. They were both in rapt attention to me, and said they loved hearing new perspectives. I told them about how in our community there was too much ignoring emotions, because of shame and the need to look perfect. She nodded. I told them I heard that it was because people only cared about outer respect and not inner work. I said how religious fanatic teacher abused me emotionally in school, not taking into account that I was adopted. She was shocked. She agreed they needed to be more caring and less black and white. I said being religious is not only about teaching the subject in school, it has to be really living and loving others.

Suddenly someone knocked, and her sister in law came in with her husband. She was a sharp dressed woman, the type that looked down their nose at me. The hostess said that I was their friend's daughter, and she looked confused so I told her, "I'm her adopted daughter." She quickly nodded, now I know. I picked at my food awkwardly unsure what do to. They gossiped about the happenings around here. I felt out of place but wanted to talk. I needed to feel heard. I saw that she was very insecure and uptight. I began talking about how I was grateful to the hostess for listening and understanding. She said sure and her face looked open. I went on to say that people are in boxes around her, and I asked them both- I see that you are stuck in thinking of how you should be, but do you know who you are? We are all connected and all equal, good at different things but all needed to create a big picture. Why do we look down at people different than us? They were shocked by my boldness, and didn't know the answer. I told them that people like me, that are hurt and misunderstood because of adoption, feel rejected only because we are not heard. We all need to be loved; that is what being religious is about. We are all great and have good and bad, just because someone is higher is status does not make them better. They applauded me and the guest told me that she is impressed by me and I could be a speaker, she would listen. I said, I am not a speaker just a normal person like you that happened to realize that I am worthy. I am loved and I found healing. She looked at me as if I told her I traveled to the moon, and I got frustrated. The husbands were also listening raptly to me, and I felt like they all never understood what I felt. I told them it was simple. Why did it have to take being adopted for me to see it? Why did I feel so pushed down by people like them- that she knew right away who I was when I said I was the adopted daughter. She denied it and said it just helped her remember. I said how we all have to begin to see one another in order to be connected... They got up to go and went to the door. I stood in the kitchen shaking. I felt unheard and my mind was telling me to leave and forget them, but my heart felt indignant and I wanted to stand up for it. To fix all the pain from the past. It was my ego but needed soothing. So I marched outside and said I have one more thing to say please.

They looked at me as if expecting me. It awed me how when I was myself, people listened. I said, as an adopted person I started living my life not caring what others think, because I never felt accepted by people like you. Never felt equal. How come you, when you are normal status without seeming issues, have such a hard time breaking out of the crowd and being yourselves? The guest's husband spoke up, you were put in a hard situation and so you grew stronger. G-d gives people what they need. I persisted, so why does it take being adopted to become one's self? I was trying to get them to be real. I said it is not hard, I promise, to love yourself. He said, people have issues even not-adopted that makes them stuck. I said, if we only were able to see that we are all loved equally, issues and all, we can see and bring each other up. The husband told me, do you lecture? You'd be great. I said no, this would be my first.. But that's not the point. I am not that great, just got through something. The hostess said, yes G-d gave you special abilities.. Who you are is strong. I said thanks. Who are you? I looked at them and said, you all have your greatness in you, why don't you believe in yourselves? The woman looked down and said, how do you do it? I said, just see who you are! I did it, don't care about the status quo. Look how I dress- not stylish. She said I admire you. I said, yes but if I did not have this pretty face you would not even be listening to me. They denied it and said they would. The husband said, listen, we all try and do our best. I said are you working on yourselves every day? Are you happy to be alive? They said,  we try, we try. I said, why would anyone want to be religious if this is how we are- just surviving and not thriving. They were about to go, and I thanked them for listening and said it was because I never felt heard by the community and it meant a lot that they were open. The woman came close to me and held me. I started crying from her love, and she said it was okay.

I went in, and the hostess held me and told me I was going through a lot of emotions and it made sense. I said I was happy, it meant a lot to have them hear me. She said the reunion is bringing up a lot for you, and I agreed. I cried more. I told her that I wanted to feel connected to my people, and I never did. She said people are different, and often in our areas they are black and white and judgemental. I said it was not right, they had to accept one another. She said not everyone can handle what you know, and you have special sensitivity to things that most people don't. I said I know, and I felt like raw skin that everyone affects me. She said it was because of my adoption and growing up, as I had explained how my mother didn't see my emotions. We talked more, about how parents can't always see their children because of how they grew up, and it is important not to expect it from people who can't give it. She was worried about me opening up to everyone, because I would get hurt. I said I needed connection, because don't trust people's motives.. She asked how. I said how I feel even in her house- that she sees me as a fly.. How I always felt in my childhood. She said it was projection, and that she saw as one of her guests that is going through hard time that needed a place to stay and knew she was open to it. I said, but I sense that she tries to help me.. She said yes she sees I am meeting my birth parents and that it can make someone emotional, and she wants me to be comfortable. I thanked her, and said I have a hard tine trusting so it was good for me to get this out to see how she truly felt and that I was projecting that she thought I was small and rude. She said do you think my care is insincere? I said I wasn't sure. She said she cared and wanted to help all her guests. I said I knew that, but find her hard to understand how she would be so helpful. She said I don't need to figure her out, that she had her own insecurities, and maybe it was how she dealt with it. She warned me again to not think others see me the way I think, small and stupid, and I told that it was from my past and being back here in this country. She understood. I told her adoptees have a lot harder time seeing others because of their worries and insecurity about others. She said she has it too- when I said I worry of the cashier not liking her if not saying hi... I said yes but I feel adoptees are much more insecure. She agreed, and said it was good for her to understand me more and we were both glad to have this conversation. She said you have to know who to rely on or not for certain fulfillments. I said yes and stick with people who can you. She told me to only worry about myself and not try to connect with others who are too different, because I am hurting myself and I need to live in community where people saw me. I told her I was now seeing her as a human with good and bad sides now, and it was nice. It would take time to change. She held my hand and looked emotional, and thanked me. I felt understood and love.

I felt more comfortable in her house. I felt alive and happy to be me. Like I brought my inside to the outside now. Communication is key, and it unlocked my insecurities. I know I was too pushy trying to connect and will learn to separate my thoughts from others.

I see that when I work on self-validation, I don't enmesh with other's feelings and can be a separate person, not caregiving or needy. I see how immature people tend to take-care of others cuz they project that others need what they do. That's where relating can get exhausting and insincerity starts.