Unconditional Loving

I know. What unconditional love is I experienced it with my daughter after I calmed down after I let off steam from frustration with her not sleeping. I was too frustrated with my day and how nothing turned out the way I wanted. Her neediness was not helping to say the least.

Spoke with Joe Soll my therapist this morning. I was so overwhelmed with pain at my birth half sister not paying attention to me, that I cried. Also I was sad because I had planned to go out with my birth father and his friend but he was working and he didn't answer me yesterday either. Joe Soll reminded me tht babies cannot be unlovable and the reason I feel that way is cuz I was given up. I had to do the affirmation saying I am lovable and nothing I do can make me unlovable. It is never because of that when people do not like me.

So I walked around today in a small stripmall nearby, that I find myself going to every day to do something when nobody is available. I go to the bank to get wifi in middle and see if anyone answered online to meet me. Suddenly, I see my birth sister's adoptive sister whom I know from growing up. We are both shocked, but I say of course I had to come here and meet you. She said she thought I was her sister, my sister. It was wild. We spoke and I was nonchalant. She wanted to speak more but I couldn't care much. She thought I was here for "vacation" despite my telling her I was meeting my birth parents. She said her sister was most confident of all of them growing up, and didn't talk about adoption. I know. I said it is her business. She said she wanted to meet over the weekend, and I said it's okay she didn't have to. I sensed our awkwardness and felt she was being nice. We left, and then met up later on as I rounded a corner. It was weird. She walked me and asked more questions and I was open about meeting my birth family. I thought I had nothing to deny anymore, I am who I am. Not that we are friends now, but I am open about who is my real family.

I also saw unconditional love from my father. I think it is spiritual feeling that never goes away, and it shocks me how people take family for granted and hurt one another. I would do anything to have grown up with him.

Later I went to walk somewhere far because I was antsy and felt isolated. It was a great feeling to walk by myself alone. I put my daughter in stroller and she behaved. She sensed my need for calmness. I was meeting my birth father after and although it was getting late, and I got lost twice, I still decided to go. Even though logic told me it was a bad idea because the hostess would wonder where I was. It felt freeing, to be listening to my self. I wanted to see my parents, and rationalized that it was a nice thing to do. Part of me still felt it was "bad" and against rules. It made it more thrilling, as I raced down the dark street to make it in time singing because no one could hear me. It felt euphoric, and I realized that this was the feeling I was chasing all my life, without knowing. It was my parents I needed all along.

They received me beautifully, my father's building was locked but my mother's next door was opened and she was happy to see me. I called my father even though it was past his time of sleep to get up early for work, and he came right over. They sat on the couch giddily, and my father said he was happy to have two of his girls. It was sweet and he played with my daughter and we chatted. It felt real and not scripted, like my life was to me. I see that when I follow my heart, things work out effortlessly. It won't be perfect, but now it is worth it because I have love. I know parental love is real and can exist. People who are jaded about it never had it themselves.

I am meeting my cousin from my father's side today, and when she called me to arrange it never had I felt such genuine connection and none fakeness.