Volcanic Anger

Yesterday, I thought my daughter would sleep well because she only napped for about 1.5 hours, and it was a later nap too because thinking about things I needed to do prevented her from relaxing. And then I got emotional and hurt and stayed on my bed helplessly. I really hate it here I feel like the energy is frozen and foggy. My husband feels the same way, and I tell him to stop sucking up my energy and leave me alone. I just needed my space. He went for a walk, and it was a relief.

After her nap at night I usually get this restless depressive feeling here. Like I want to do something but am too stuck to and I hate our night schedule, because she only falls asleep when I am calm too. And I keep feeling like I messed up and should have been more productive during the day... So I need to escape often and stay on my phone. Or I bake like a crazy woman. And she runs around trying to participate and talks to herself like the little Hungarian she is lol. "Have some!! Hold this!!" I look around the disastrous kitchen and feel spiraling under the needed chores. I push it away and shut off the speech I am listening to and go shower. I am happy that I shared my blog on instagram, but worry a bit about it.

Afterwards, we go to bed and it is 12. I figured she would fall asleep, but nope. So I try to listen to her feelings, but she acts silly and I feel not myself. I feel in limbo. I check my instagram. Barely anyone talking. I watch a few light, educational so I tell myself videos. An hour goes by and she is still on my breast dawdling. I feel like crying and a failure. I cannot face her pain. Or mine. I feel swallowed. Time creeps by, and I worry about my 12 o'clock meeting tomorrow and how will I make it with the lack of sleep. It is after 2 a.m. I start feeling like this is crazy and nobody leaves their kid up so late... This happens way too much. She starts laughing nonstop at every thing I say, and I don't feel myself. I feel like a loser and wannabe mother. Who said I can ever be good? I try the adoptee affirmations. She runs around room and takes my phone to give it to me. I feel like a heartless parent. I turn away. She cried. Get's back in, and I feel my body weak from exhaustion. And anger at her for causing it for me and herself. I have nowhere to release it. I bang the wall twice cursing. My husband looks up all annoyedly. I have no words and my daughter is frozen. He tells me that she takes everything as her own fault. I feel awful. I try apologizing but don't feel sincere. The damage was too great. I go to the bathroom and slam the cabinet door twice. She stands there and watches numbly. I say sorry and think about what a failure I am. Doing as much damage as was done to me. But will she ever sleep? The pressure is too much.

She tosses between one side to the other, sleepy but alert for my mood. I apologize sadly and watch her face. Does this make her feel safe? I didn't feel like I made her safe. It worried me, so I closed my eyes and willed myself to forget and relax. Finally it worked and we fell asleep at 3 a.m.

Woke up at 6 to see my husband leaving, and felt sad for what happened. She woke up hungrily and latched onto me for an hour so I couldn't move. There was a booming clap, and thunder that sounded like bombs going off. Every two minutes for half hour. I felt like it was payback and it made my soul feel better.