Crazy Hyperactive Times

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Daughter was jumping on bed last night from 1 a.m. till 2. I am happy that she picked up from me to exercise, but this side of her I never saw. She pulled me up again and again, using my command of, "Come. Stand up, jump!!" and, "Hold my hand." I laughed because she must have been overtired, but I was too tired to want to jump so much. I did it and it was actually fun. I wondered how long she would take to release her tense feelings. Tried recounting the day to see why, and remembered how we yelled at her not to touch the dirty paint bins on the floor of the house for rent we were seeing. And how tired she was from not being able to nap, and us eating in a pizza store with her falling off her chair clumsily. And I was annoyed. Now I pay, and have to deal with her pent up emotions.

Marion Rose's Website about kid's sleeping, said that just as adults distract from painful emotions with wine or Internet, so do kids if they are not listened to. I put down my phone and tried to watch and listen. I got overwhelmed by how much repression was there. I was probably projecting. Because I realized that my own emotions of depression and hopelessness was strong deep down. And I was desperate to move to make friends. Maybe I wasn't happy with myself? Stop judging myself.
Anyway, I copied her silliness and we fell and laughed a lot and I enjoyed connecting with her. She pushed me away when I tried kissing her face and I do not know why that is but I did not force her. I do not want her to feel overpowered. I am still worried about how she nurses to sleep and wakes up at least once every morning to nurse. After 4-6 hours sleep. I feel cringy for thinking about my instagram posts being good, they seem lame now and too trying. I am no expert and have trouble with my daughter's emotions too.

I looked back on the pictures of her first months, and saw how I used to be much more fearful of them. Scared of how she felt. And worried I couldn't connect to her. Like she was a foreign human that needed my love and attention. I was not able to give as much love then. Now we work as a team and are connected much more.

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