Having Trust and Faith in Your Good

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Pride comes before a fall. I thought I was being a superstar house woman today lol. And I was eating healthy and not much. I cleaned my house well and went out to get some last minute food for preparations and a coffee. I enjoyed the sun with my daughter, and was happy that she went into the stroller when she saw other babies in theirs. I was thinking about how desires are human, and it is not about repressing them but utilizing them to ... Serve G-d I guess. So I happily told my husband and was proud of myself for cooking good and healthy food for us to enjoy. When it was so rare to actually eat healthy these days. All the while my daughter was kinda bored and tired, following me around trying to help. I felt guilty for not focusing enough on her.

When it came to her nap, and I had eaten minimally and done as much work as I could, I was desperate for her to fall asleep. Of course, she did not want to because of my ignoring her mood out of my nervousness. At first, I tried being present and holding the book with her. I was proud that she knew to point at the right pictures she named, such as blowing wolf at the 3 pigs... But she kept wanting to read over and over and I became angry and withdrew. Stress had built up and I wanted to scream.

I yelled a bit and woke my husband up. He was shocked and annoyed me more. He looked at her helplessly, and I screamed inside that I was the problem and not her. She was innocent. It was only hard for me to see her emotions now so I was projecting my anger onto her.

I thought more and realized that I did not feel deserving and worthy of having my needs met. Due to past beliefs and religious teaching about egotistical behavior being ugly. And so I repressed my ego. I sighed and sat in the discomfort. I tried comforting myself. It felt like hell cuz I was fighting myself.  

But I realized that my behavior was not right, that I had emotions but did not have to act on them. My daughter cried with shame and pain, yet I could not see her because of my own anger at myself. I breathed in the other room, and she tried climbing on my lap but I pushed her off. I watched my thoughts judging myself and hated it. I wanted happiness and freedom. Watched a video by Brightside on How to Know if You are on the way to Having a Mental Breakdown. I recognized the signs in myself. One was thinking others are out to hurt you. I sighed and pulled myself together, saying it is because of my childhood...

Finally hugged my daughter and said words of regret and comfort to her. I felt soo bad, like I had ruined her. I hugged a lot. She came into my arms desperately and howled. I looked at her tearstained face and held her tight, never wanting to hurt her anymore. I told het I had been angry and at myself, not her.

I guess if I had better boundaries, I would understand my needs and give them to myself readily. And I would not beat myself up over hurting my daughter, and listen to her pain more readily when I hurt her feelings. Instead of feeling too guilty and having self-blame. I would allow myself peace. I guess that's what G-d meant when it says to trust in Him that He is there for you.

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