It's Okay To Be Broken

I can't run anymore. The pain eats away at me. I can't even keep a straight face in the grocery store, when the cashier makes a sarcastic remark when I asked if the food was really that price because I had expected it more. "It is this full price it can't get cheaper.." And my hurt was thudded. I muttered something and gave him my credit card, but my spirit had broken. After all that I had done today, taking my daughter out of the stroller because she seemed like she was being constrained and when I asked her if she was okay she started squirming and then choked out, "Open it." So I let her out,  and it was like she was free as she flew down the street with me, running like she forgot she had legs. And she searched for other kids to play with, and they balked at her and protectively held their younger siblings hand tighter. I sighed and was in shock to realize that this was what society pushed. And her feelings of pain for being strapped in the stroller were legit- I saw them with my own eyes. Unbelievably and scared that she could feel so much.

Well, thank G-d at least she can still show it. She still lives for herself. Teal Swan said in Tutorial of Life that we all chose our families, circumstances, and cultures we are born into- to bring us the most expansion that we need. For our souls. I agree strongly, but also heard that some of us had no choice because it was this or hell. I strongly feel proud that my daughter looked down from heaven before she came to us and said, "These people are a good fit for my growth." In those sort of words. It makes me cry to think that I have a purpose and mission in this world. That my actions matter. Because I don't usually see that proven in my outer world.

I was eating clean today, and woke up with organic fruit, then had a lunch of veggies and hummus and no wheat. I felt great but also withdrawal symptoms for carb craving. Also my head hurt so I took some coffee. I need to work on letting go of it slowly. But I had no choice but to feel and my feelings. Especially after the morning atmosphere by the shiva house, I was zapped. No one seemed to care about me. It was all me in this world if I was going to make it or die. Spiritually that is. I sighed and pulled through the pain. I figured out that it was not so evil of me to want pleasure. I figured that G-d understood. But I was allowed to be happy. So I let the feelings exist, and ate some treats in the meantime, hoping for relief soon. It happened.

I baked a semi healthy breakfast food for my husband, and wrote down the foods that should br organic. Nuts were out. I sighed and was overwhelmed by how many pesticides we eat daily that the world isn't letting out truth about. The majority of our intake should not be pesticide-ridden foods, I noted. I noted what we can afford and resolved to buy the safe foods that accord to it. No more excessive dairy, no more ice cream, no more non organic peanut butter... this was going to be hard. But it is worth it.

I already feel healthier and more present. I put on a song about being okay to feel broken, and my daughter sat in my carrier and I danced a bit, crying at the pain I felt in me. I let myself feel broken as the song was encouraging, and I was so proud of us spirits who let ourselves feel even though society does not warrant it. Such as first world white person problems- like going through a breakup, not having our favorite drink in the morning... These things can truly pain people, especially those who are used to having them regularly... Loss is loss. Pain is pain.

I feel pain and I am proud to say it and feel it. My daughter feels pain and I do not minimize it, so why should I minimize my own unresolved childhood pain?