Journey is Never Over

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As long as we have an open mind to truth we can still be growing. I am learning about vaccinations being bad for our kids, and the paleo diet. I feel truth there and am happy to learn it. I don't want to be unhealthy inside even when it doesn't show up outside. It can manifest in diseases later on G-d forbid. 

No way am I perfect but I feel loads of pressure to be. I relax knowing that I am not and have lots to fix. Learning boundaries. Am angry at my in-laws now because they will not help us out with rent cosigning that we need for our new home unless we let them see their granddaughter more. I see now how selfish they are and below consciousness. No matter what I tell them they do not see their fault and hide behind the need to listen to your parents. I feel if I take their help with this attitude I will be stuck with their influence. Which I definitely don't want.

I lectured someone on YouTube about adoption trauma and they dragged me down and minimized me. Even laughing at me. Calling me pretentious for saying truth. I bucked down and apologized for my anger but that the truth was that adoption is trauma because no one validates it for the adoptee and they become isolated and hide their feelings. The woman was a 50 year old adoptee therapist, who said she had no trauma from adoption and no repression at all. I think it is because she is so unaware of it. Her unawareness made her project her own anger at me by thinking I was the pretentious one. I saw her narcissism as well as mine a bit. But I realized I can't get validation from them because as open as I am about my truthful pain, they are unaware of their own.

Alone again. Sad day ignoring daughter trying to make it up suffering in streets with no kindness... Feeling empty connection with husband... We need to move more than ever. To feel alive. Alive means trusting your emotions like a kid is so good at. I reflected this when I held my daughter to sleep, for 3 hours until I finally got to wash up to sleep. This work I do with her is invaluable,  and will stay in her psyche forever. Forget the naysayers who say career is more special than being a Mom. A loving mother is irreplaceable. Learning from my daughter how to live happily and truly is a blessing for me.

Trying to find a place for my feminine-ness and power. My vulnerability. I need it now more than ever to survive. To trust myself. Not to get drained around me.

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