Keep Trying To Fix

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I did not know how I would go back to myself after that weekend. I was confused and sad about myself and motives. I read there in The Ethics of Fathers, reading 3 chapters to make up my soul drain, and it comforted me, how it said how you can not trust yourself till the day you die. And it is better to not have been born because of the sins you can get caught into. And how every action you do is rewarded and taken into account, you will know it when you die. And how one good deed leads to another, and a bad leads to a bad. And how having a good heart is the best trait, as it encompasses all the others the sages mentioned. And how a smart person stays quiet, in the company of others, and listens before speaking. And he does not think he knows everything. Also said that it your action receeds your wisdom, the wisdom will endure. But also vice versa.

It all helped me sort out that there is indeed a purpose for people and that there is purpose in following the truth. I already saw how lucky I was that I was not as affected by their behavior and had more confidence in my intuition. I am also happy to know that I am not perfect, and Gd just created me with the ability to learn what I know. I need to use it more, and have stronger foundation. It scared me at how quickly I could lose it all if I stayed around ignorant people for too long. As I had already started doubting my self. If we don't learn more and find the truth, the falseness will seduce us.

Anyway, when I woke up today, after a hazy day/night. I realized that I had to pray more. To get out of here. As a speech we heard in the car said, You have to work on your character in this world and put actions to it, not just learn all day... So I saw how Gd was good to me for taking away my comfortable denial. But I was so far away. So I resolved to get out if here.

I got out of the house and remained hopeful. I went to entertain my daughter,  and also get her closed ear hole re pierced. The kind Jewelry shop owner was more real than most, and turned out he lived in the place I wanted to move to as it is more real. He was shocked as well and agreed that it was right for me. It felt like a love from Gd.

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