Low Self Image And Adoptees

Was walking home from the park and realized after making my new friend, a Jewish woman who was actually kind and normal, that I don't usually notice how my self image affects how others see me. Talking to others makes me become more self aware. Because I see how I react and it is a mirror. Sometimes I can shy away and be insecure, but I learned not to because I accept myself. I am proud of how far I have come.

I am lucky to have been adopted because now I can accept my pain and feeling totally disconnected from humanity. And I work on connecting. She understood when I told her about adoptee pain. She even knew my birth sister, having living in her city!! 12 hours away from me. How crazy is that. She said it makes sense that adoptees feel disconnected. She said my sister is stuck up after I egged her about it. Because she taught at the same school. I was happy to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought that. We have commonality.

I realized that being adopted for me comes along with certain social behaviors from ptsd. Like, being spaced out and unsure of myself. Fearing rejection and molding to what other people want. Such as she was talking about her city and I pretended to want to talk all about different cities. But I got drained.

It's hard for me to be with other people. It's easier alone because I can focus on myself. With others I become uber focused on them and forget that I can have needs too. Draining people are the worst. As much as I tell my husband how I feel, I still end up drained a lot because we expect to get energized by one another but it never happens.

With this new person, I got to see myself better because it was a stranger so I had more interest and happiness talking to her. She was a bit loud and scattered, but also more self assured than most people here. She agreed with me that people can be very not open-minded here, and hard to make connection to.

I took away that adoptees have so much insecurity that we can think we are nothing, and are completely open to other people. But it has a flip side, because we can also be self-deprecating and others pick up on it. Our inside that it.

I am myself with my daughter, my triggers are not activated as with others because I know I am important with her. I am something. I can offer her. Mothering. Love she needs. This is how I know that a maternal bond is something real and it is not the same with a stranger's kid. Meaning, you can't automatically feel connected, like adoption advocates think. As well as my adoptive parent. I think it is because she didn't even know what a true mother child bond is, so she assumed the bond is the same for all kids. But with others I don't know where to fit. I sense their neediness and know I can't fill it. It's scary.

She found me normal, and I felt like it was a giant hug. We spoke about how Religious Jews can sometimes hide things and make things ostracized, creating healthiness in the kids. Therefore, when she asked me if she should tell my sister that she met me, I thought, of course I wish ... But was scared she wouldn't be happy about it. Then I just said, screw it this is not something I need to hide. Truth is truth!!! Those who hide it are insecure and unconfident.