More Than Just Pain

I was listening to John Bradshaw Healing the Shame That Binds You part 6, and he said that when we are shame based we keep trying to hide the shame by doing more and more to appear better than it. But we either hide it by becoming a Gd like and non human, or sub human and less than by becoming low level like druggies or prostitute. He said he was a preacher about intimacy because he didn't have it and felt better preaching because it is easier.  But people who are higher up and in power feel good to yell at others, thus making them carry their shame. I noticed that people higher up like my parents, teachers and principals and adults I knew all did this. Now I see how small and childlike they are inside. Because if you are unaware of it, you can't fix it.
Families like that cannot have fun and laughter because they rely on strictness to cover up their mistakes. Because if the parents are shame based, they can never be seen as wrong so the child always takes the brunt of the blame. He Said the best thing is vulnerability and the ability for a parent to cry or admit their faults.

I am working on doin so with my daughter. I hate when I am tense and nervous and get angry with her. I know she is just innocent as he says kids come into the world as poetic, happy loving people. Stop shaming myself for my pain and flaws and own up to it.

Yesterday I was down because the cousins I stayed by for the Sabbath were all shame based and unaware. So the girl especially projected it all outward and was a very angry irritated person, while her husband the loud obnoxious outwardly one. They excused each other's issues though with the fake acts of devotion and love. The most rebellious one, whom I was closest to growing up and now ironically, was considered the most messed up... But she wasn't she was actually the most normal because she admitted that she was screwed up inside even though she was busy with a job and therapy. I spoke at length with her the most. It was ironic how they all loved watching my baby, showering her with adoration, because they saw themselves in her. But they did not grow up yet either so could not expect her to know anything. Such as they were shocked when she said "hang up dress" like a little person. Like wow she actually understands things. Duh. She understands emotions too more then they can imagine her understanding. She got nervous with their hypertension.
I fell right in comfortably, learning how to attend everyone like I was used to. Because my body remembered the scene from my childhood. But we both knew it was not good, and I was enmeshed too much. You can't help getting influenced by what you are used to... I need a stronger boundary. However I wasn't as bad as usual and had some strength not to joke too much or get insecure by their brashness and scrutiny. I think they admired me for it. I told my aunt about my adoption feelings and she heard,  but said we all go through feeling hurt by parents... But she admired me for how I stood up to it. How "I went through so much. "
But where was it then when I was in pain as a kid. Why was I always the shy clammed one only to them all? And yes my "bad, oppositional" cousin and I had more in common than anyone thought. We both felt our pain of isolated feelings. Both couldn't pretend and fit in. But like my cousin said, that didn't make us different or unrelatable and they should not push it away in the corner saying "it is too much for us to feel." It makes us feel crazy.

Enough feeling crazy, it is time for truth. We are truth, and they are the blind sheep following scared of their emotions crowd. We are not our pain, we are not what they project onto us. We have a right to be alive. We have more sides than just pain. We are human and people.