My Daughter Mirroring my Image

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People who are stuck in ego developmental stage, such as lovability - trust vs. Mistrust, cannot be expected to work on giving to others until they understand themselves. I used to be stuck in this, and be terrified of the thought of Gd ruling over us and that I had to nullify my needs... Because I had no sense of self in the first place.

I guess the people I met over the weekend, the two sisters and brother, were all ego- underdeveloped and therefore did not understand true empathy. And were all about themselves that they did not known how to see others as separate people. They got triggered at any sense of rejection, so had to fake it to others. To avoid rejection. I was triggered because it reminded me of my own neediness for other's approval, and how I was breaking away from it.

I see my daughter as a separate person, that even if she doesn't do what I say I do not blame her, because she is a human with her own feelings and needs. Needs of autonomy. I can take that over having to be looked up to at all the time. I saw myself in her during her bathing, how she was looking at me with a serene, content face that reminded me of my own from the baby photos. I noticed how open and vulnerable she was, and happily hugged her and changed her.

Today I put her to sleep by calmly thinking of my own child self, and telling her that "You are lovable, it is not your fault.." And for the first time,  it felt true and I wanted to cry. I pictured my angry, sad self and how much she needed a grown up like me to validate her. I said it over and over in my head, and replayed my own daughter's needy similar face. I experienced peace and purpose. And my daughter fell asleep.

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