Only What I think of Myself Counts

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This is mainly an emotional blog about my feelings of being adopted and uncovering them more. I want to be more real to myself and not have to feel insufficient all the time. It takes time and as I heard Rabbi Mizrachi say, you are never done in spirituality and every day you are constantly looking at what needs to be fixed. Never feel greater than others, or think you'll never be as great as them. It is always about "How can I become better." I guess since I started uncovering my feelings about adoption and its' stem, I started to think that maybe it was possible for me to actually become a better person. I am more open to my mistakes. As John Bradshaw says, Shame-based people create rigid and fearful atmospheres because they are so scared of being seen as "bad" in any way.

I want to change my world and how we see life. I want vulnerability to be more accessible and not terrifying. What scares us is the not knowing what will happen if things are uncertain. For the unmothered person, they fear not being in control. But once we have trust in our lovability, we do not need others to hold us up. We hold our own ship. Rabbi Mizrachi says that we should not take in other's praise or criticism; it should not make a blip on our radar, because all that should matter is what we know about ourselves. And how close we are to G-d or not. This is the ideal. I love because other people are only come and go, so it helps to know that we cannot rely on them truly. And when I love myself, and am truly vulnerable to myself, I do not need others to make me feel better. I need to love myself primarily. Others come second.

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