Shame Causes Disconnection from Self

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The thing was I didn't want her to disconnect from herself. As long as she knew I loved her no matter what, she would not have to become and split off from a part of herself inside. The way I did. I pumped myself up so much today thinking that she was so much better than the average baby her age, because she is uninhibited in her expression... Like she expresses pure joy and pure hurt regularly. And is generally a non fearful child. But alas she does space out sometimes. Like when we are out in the street and she follows along, uninterested. And she gets spaced out. Or when she refuses to hug me and screams Oy when I hold her close. Or when she cannot make eye contact at night and needs me to be busy in order to fall sleep. And of course, when she yells painfully when I tell her I love her and try to ask her how she feels. And when she can't seem to calm down and yells repeatedly the same word. It shows some repression...

And Teal Swan spoke about it tonight in The Anatomy of Loneliness, that children get fractured from shame in childhood when they are rejected... And then they either pretend they are not there in a crowd or they act inauthentic. The point is that they hide their true self. I am terrified of this happening. After all, it happened to me as an adoptee... And I am Slowly repairing it by letting myself feel my feelings. Brian James told me that adoption caused us to have Stockholm Syndrome... Because we had to pretend to be conforming and people pleasing to survive and we got further away from "home"- being our true self. No one loves a baby more than the true mother, but society ignores this when it comes to adoption. It is really mind blowing. Nobody understands adoptee feelings but adoptees, and it is important that we share with each other.

So yeah, now I have to get myself back. And it comes from connecting to my inside- not just act like others want me to in a crowd. Because then I will still be separated from my true self and be lonely. And my daughter will feel that if I do. I would like to be connected and show her connection is possible, no matter what you do.

I noticed it today, that parents who hurt and shame their children push them further away from themselves, and also creating a break in the bond between the parent and child. It is devastating. I have always known that breaking. As Brian James said, we were never blood related to our adopted "family", so we always felt the lack of bond. I also know now from my own daughter that a mother loves her child more than anyone else ever could. At least for me, I want her to be happy and successful more than anything else in my life. And I was thinking, I know that I love my own birth parents unconditionally... It's crazy that my adoptive family does not see or want to see that. It causes me to doubt that anyone loves me. I wonder...do my birth parents truly love me. Because I do not fully believe it deep down... Based on what happened. It's like out of sight out of mind. So I keep needing reminders that my own daughter loves me... Even though I know I love her.

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