Soul Drain

I am still reeling from the weekend. Trying to move out of here, so we decided to check out a town nearby so that my husband can still travel to his job near here. But the people we stayed by... Reminiscent of my a family. The same situation; people who expect others to make them feel good about themselves, unaware of themselves, childish parents with children who are forced to grow up at age 7-8 in order not to get scorched by their parents. The parents screaming at them and accusing them of every mistake or kiddyish thing they do- such as wanting to play while eating, or not putting on their clothing.... I realize that it seems typical, but since I had the same upbringing and felt so hurt all the time, it felt hellish to me. And I saw in the kids distrust of me and frozen faces, speaking as if in script to my question, that they were deeply wounded. I got caught in talking to the girl, who incidentally had my name! And I was thrown into her mood and felt her age and being put down again. We spoke like equals, shy and timid, and I gave her a small understanding smile. I felt burdened with her pain and unable to fix it so I stayed sad.

And I realized that people around you do affect you, unless you know how to stand above the negativity and keep your boundaries up. And my husband and I have very wavery boundaries. We get affected more easily because of our wounds from the past. I am at least more aware that I can push up my wall, being polite and busying my mind, as Lisa Romano talks about. The need to go gray rock with narcissistic people. Because they will just exploit your story and throw it back at you. At first I tried to connect, when it was at night and we had a pleasant, quiet meal and everyone was upbeat. I explained my story and how I was "reparenting" my adoptee, child self. It always shocked me and delighted me to see that everyone truly DID see adoption as a catastrophy... But they didn't care personally because they remarked, "It sounds like a drama show!" About my life. Sigh. I was pulled to cater to them and spill the beans a bit. I told myself that they needed to hear the truth. But how haughty am I to think that I can fix them? People who live for pleasures and running away from the truth. Hell, the mother even teased her 7 year old son when he said he wanted to take off his shirt that "You have to dance and throw it off," and they roared with laughter. Even my husband raised his eyebrow at me. It was disgusting. I noticed that they seemed energized by listening to me, yet I was just giving and getting sucked out of. So I let myself enjoy the food and they were engrossed in interest and excitement about gay jokes at the same time. The wives freaked me out the most, because they seemed like true walking bumblebees, buzzing about with awful, childish whining and laughter. Such as, singing weird things whenever it was too silent. And shooting me judging looks. When I said hell no I was not sending my toddler to that neglectful daycare where they did not have tissues, they laughed and seemed to agree that it was terrible. My husband said at Least for that; and they didn't appose/ negate me about my mothering method. So maybe there is hope.

At least they KNOW they are bad "Jews.." And I got into a whole discussion with the 30 year old- changed religious father, now in his 40s, and he suddenly changed his persona and spoke seriously about the need to change our focus in the religious community. He asked me for inspiration, said it was so difficult for him to be religious here because everyone is materialistic... And he doesn't know where is Gd in this huge cosmo, even though he learns the weekly scripture. It was interesting to see what can happen when I stay present and focus on my agenda. He was the one who seemed the most empathetic to my adoption, asking "How does it really feel, being adopted, all your life?" I told him I had it hard too, being religious, but learning my importance and the truth about Gd made me strong. The most lewd guy there, full of himself and egotistical beyond belief, laughed and said "They wanna be us," When we spoke about why non-Jews hate us. I wondered silently what was so good about being like him. We spoke about the hypocrisy in our religious community.. How we claim to be religious but focus on our cars and looks. I felt awkward talking to him even though my husband was next to me, especially after he seemed uncertain as to his life too. I appreciated his honesty and effort to taking on the journey.

Whenever I talked about how I was trying to give my daughter love and confidence by not hurting or embarrassing her if she made mistakes, they accepted it and even applauded me. But it was interesting how the father said, "You have to show them how you are in charge." And I answered, only if you can do it without anger. He slowly nodded. When I told him about my blog, because my husband blundered about how I was "creative" and not technical oriented, as he does when he over explains himself, he was very impressed. Asked how many people follow it, and I said I have no idea and I do it mainly for myself to heal my childhood trauma. They applauded my action, and said it would be a good drama reading for people. I shook my head and said it was too heavy for typical people. I got a feeling it would scare them and they'd hate it. My vulnerability, that is.

I sat on my bed downstairs after, hidden away from the house in a weird, cave-like old tavern basement,  and felt depressed. I could not move, felt like I was tied up with my pain. At not being seen, at being alone. I was astounded how my husband slept calmly after the day. Trying to rescue my daughter from the 4 children (cousins) clutching arms that paraded her around like a lifeless doll. The one I had connected with earlier even told me, "No you can't have her!" When I tried removing her to put her to nap. I sternly said, Yes I can. These kids never learned respect for elders, because their elders where children inside, who threw tantrums when they didn't comply to them. Or voiced their own will. The mother threatened with food, coercing her daughter to eat. She complained about her daughter to me that "She is soo quiet around people it's crazy."  It was a total breach of respect. As if the mother was attached to how "cool" her daughter was, and was shamed at her quietness. I politely said that quiet is okay, I was quiet too as a child and it means you are intuitive. She childishly said okay maybe.

I yelled at my husband on our walk, How can you not see this horror?? How they suck others' souls because they expect people to mother them, at their advanced age?! Where was the awareness and responsibility? He agreed and sighed helplessly, agreeing that he lost himself there a bit trying to gain approval too. We made up to not move here. As I say, a place without Truth is better than living with less. It is not worth the soul drain.