Spinning Outta Control

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I don't know exactly what got into me today... I felt angry all day. I became obsessed with my new food diet of no grains and no coffee, and it may be it. I am also really angry at my community and family, at how they serve the processed food like it was great and okay. How loving my daughter the right way here was so a foreign concept and I did not have any support. I am also wondering about how I always seem to be pushed to do do do and write as if my life depended on it, but was getting no support or help in return...so what kept my fire on? I have no idea, I am really a lone wolf in the forest. I have no idea why I try so hard.

I guess I need to give myself a break. All day I was criticizing my inability to be happy without food or things. Like money unavailable, and my daughter being repressed in the stroller and not saying anything about it. I feel like an evil monster. And I tried listening to Ralph Smart video about not being so hard on myself, and it was near impossible to take in.

The thing is. I am in this world alone and people truly don't understand. Or even care to. The thought alone made me feel like I am living a hell, and dying sounds more feasible. There was no hope and no calls. In this world, being famous and great is the only thing that gets you validation. Such as when adoptees or stars that are famous have problems, everyone runs to see the good in them. I watched Onision videos, and he is my type of awesome... But he is so screwed up in a way that I like. And I see how much hate he gets and I wonder. I don't know why he lives for the attention, but I understand the excitement of power.

I don't know maybe it was also the moving and fear of it not working out. Anger at how my husband's friend failed to send in our application for the new house, as he lives in that town... I erupted with my flamy anger. Wanted to scream. Why does it always seem like nothing will ever work out for me??

After eating a heck ton of "paleo" foods or whatever I made, plus some non organic non natural peanut butter, and not being able to see my daughter with her hyperactivity, I just lay down on the bed. Exhausted. Feeling like the dead canned fish I ate. Flopping around with hormones raging. I give up. I cried, pained tears spilling out. G-d are you there? Are the evil demonic angels controlling me? I can't live like this. Is it all so bad? Will I get through? I saw some hope after the sadness, and my daughter watched me and cried a little drop herself. I had felt so guilty earlier that she didn't express her pain because maybe I was pretending it wasn't there, thus her picking up how it was not okay to feel. We both feel asleep.

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