The Problem is Lack of Self Love

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Just need to get this out. I went to past a visit where my mother and her sister's are mourning, in shiva, for their father's death. All her religious strict cousins are there, and my aunts are lapping up the attention. My mother is kind of stoic, and is proud of me. I am quiet and watching all the others. I see that when I am not focused on my agenda, I can observe others very objectively. I still sense lots of animosity in my feelings towards them, for my entire gas lighting childhood of not truly being one of them and their blatant ignoring and wishing to pretend it not so outwardly. But they knew it was there, because when I mention it through why I don't feel worthy of buying myself expensive clothes which my mother is showing off about, and say that it is only because I never felt worthy of life being adopted and always given everything, one even said: "Aw you are worthy we are all children of G-d." Just totally ignoring my implication in it- That I am adopted and an orphan. Even though the program was for me to have been happy always. Or maybe they all just never cared about what I truly feel.

This is the problem with when parents expect their kids to make their own happiness, and not need true love and connection. They think we are all on our own!!! As she put it, We are all children of G-d. This makes me so mad I cannot even express how much. G-d wants parents to connect to their children and show true love, period. Not to let us all die with hunger for love and acceptance.... That is their problem. They are all so desperate for adulation and validation that they are blind to seeing it. Their true needs. The ego has become their persona. As Lisa Romano just said today, when a person is in defense, they are hiding a wounded past. They subconsciously looked for others to love them, not realizing that it starts with themselves.

They are wounded!! I am loved and healing because I know my problem. They don't, and hate themselves. As Lisa Romano days, when people run to do affirmation and self help books all day they are sidestepping the pain- what their problem actually is. Go in the past and let yourself feel the victimhood because that abused baby still lives in us.

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