Trust In Ability to Love

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I realized today that when we have strong confidence in our stance, people listen to us. Such as my daughter... Since I do not trust my ability to comfort her, because I fear the worst due to the incidences that happened during our outings, she strays away and doesn't trust me.

My husband was confident when he sat in the back with her, and she stayed in the car seat because he was not distracted with her and focused on other things. Occasionally, I reminded him to answer her because I was driving and could not help her. But he never opened her seat belt and she did not seem to doubt his love for her. I guess I can be too giving in to her sometimes, when I am stressed out. She sang the words I sang happily, effortlessly, and I marvelled at her natural comfort /happiness.

Since I do not believe in my ability to comfort her because I am scared she is too overwhelmed, I cannot get her to listen at times. After a full day of being out in the heat with not much structure, because my husband was home and we like to spend time out of the house, she seemed too hyper. I washed and prepared the organic fruits and veggies I bought from Whole Foods (yay), and snuck in some YouTube videos because I was so discouraged of getting her to nap. I sadly said to my husband that I was upset about it but felt unable to show her love, and he said, "Of course you are unsure...because of your own life. Being adopted and not seeing true connection to a mother." I was like, Thank you and allowed it to settle in. The validation. I picked her up and cooed sorry and I love you and felt my voice get strong and confident. She listened, cried a bit but sank into sleep. Yes it was way past her nap time, but I also knew that I could help this little girl, because she was so vulnerable and needed me, her Mamma. I held her and felt my love surround her, the little girl who looked and had emotions so like me.

Edit: I want to add that when we accept children's emotions, they feel loved. They cannot feel Fully loved if we hit them or hurt them when they cry or express pain.. Because it shows we do not tolerate it. As Teal Swan said on Instagram, "Punishment is fighting fire with fire. It is hoping that we can teach mental and physical health to a person by demonstrating the opposite." Fighting acceptance of a child's emotions causes them to feel unloved because it pushes them away from you. Therefore, the more a person sees their own emotions, the more they can see and accept others' as valid...and thus be there for their child more. This is what I am learning as I accept my own insecurities and pain more. I can love my daughter more whole.

I used to think love was impossible because I literally did not love myself. Fully at all. Now I glimpse my true self-love and acceptance, so I can visibly trust in my love for others. It's always there, unconditionally, even when things block it. Such as my impatience or anger... There is a way out. I have come "home" as John Bradshaw puts it- to my self. Because I used to have no proof from my mother that I was lovable as a child, I did not know it. Now I do as I work towards accepting myself fully.

Sometimes I still catch myself over-compensating for my worry of lack of love that my daughter feels- such as too much pandering... But then I stop and realize that it is fake. And I can be relieved that I know she sees my love, even when I am not perfect.

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