Wicked Family

I am angry and drained. Was an awful morning that I was running from facing. I told myself I'd eat no grains today and it was hard I munched on kale for lunch and caved and ate some disgusting whipped cream while making some homemade ice cream. My throat feels rusty and stomach not too good either. Anger is a common theme today. At the disconnect and repression I witnessed in my adoptive family. I think I have a right to not call them family. I certainly do not want to be part of them. They take it to heart and get mad, blocking me further because of their hurt. I felt it. Or was it always there, and I was always used to feeling like I had to force myself in like a mismatched shape peg?

So, grandfather, mother's father, died last evening. I cried alone, from disbelief. Tragic that an old man died. Someone close to the people who raised me. Hate me, but hey I honestly am open to admitting that he is not my blood. Nor did he work on bridging the gap. He just treated me like a fake imposter of a granddaughter. Whatever. He was a nice enough man, kept to himself. He went through a lot of pain. And now his life is over. And he gets to see the truth. After a person dies,  they are no longer emotionally tied to their family in a biological way anyway.  So maybe he finally accepts me seeing me for my true self down here now. Death is a scary concept. Too much explaining feelings though. I am in shock, confused about it all. Lost myself a whole lot.

So I go this morning, wrapping my hair in a simple, non-obtrusive wrap, and wearing the clothes from yesterday. I did not want to wake my daughter up until we had to go, to let her rest more. She didn't sleep enough last night for this early hour.

Telling myself not to expect much. I know who they are. But I am obligated to go because for my grandfather's honor.

Feel like I am living on a tailspin, just waiting for my savior. I feel weak. I am hurting physically and emotionally. With no support and not much money. Getting kicked in the body by my own clumsiness.

I go, and first thing I see is the woman pouring onto the street, with the close relatives in the front bowing their heads. I make my way to the back, feeling I did not want to impose. I know I am a granddaughter but I am not blood. I feel that strongly. As I look at their blond hair and similar body types, I feel shrunken and proud to not be like them too. A nosy relative of my mother's stares at me, holding my daughter in carrier, and then her face brightens as she recognizes me. She draws me closer and I smile back awkwardly. She laughs and says she remembers me, my face. The Rabbis are crying in the mike, droning on about the specialty of my grandfather. People are hugging my mother. She sounded so unemotional the night before, and it struck me how she said, "I am relieved it happened because when he was sick it was hard." That maybe she did not care about her father. Maybe he was indeed a stranger to her. My cousin whom I am close to told me that she does not really feel like she knows him either, over the weekend before. I stand politely. My grandfather's step-granddaughter, also am emotionally confused girl my age, whom was outwardly brash and not following of the clan and rules, sidles up to me. We used to be close, unhealthily, and I had cut the ties when I was changing my perspective on life. We had a soul connection, though, through our mutual pain of non belonging. We joked and she gave me knowing looks and I felt understood. We laughed about the past and made up to talk more. She said she was here for her grandmother, and I said I had not felt so close to him either but that he was a good man. The speakers seemed to agree. Her father, his step son, spoke very formally and politely, which I admired and translated for her because she did not understand that language as they were not as ultra orthodox. My other cousin came round and gave us both hugs. I laughed at how all three of us were together, the rejected ones in the family. We all loved each other. But my cousin urged me to go join the aunts and cousins, after I made a joke about not looking like anyone to another old cousin "because I am adopted," and I laughed heartily but it turned hollow when I saw how no one else wanted to hear it. I was frustrated, how much did they want me to shut up.

I moved to the front. Saw my aunt crying sadly and a cousin hugging a mother. My cousin held her sister like a wounded bird, and I wondered how it felt to feel undoubtedly that this was your family. She said I belonged here though. She seemed to push me to believe that and I felt weird. After all the years of secrecy... It was too much to just take in. I did not feel validated by any one. My sister stood crying, hugging her cousin. She wore immaculate clothes and a perfect wig, with matching perfect shoes. And I felt alienated. Anger like bile rose up. At the years of her games of treating me like a slob. Of her few admonishments of how I had no right to cry or complain when I did. Of her sneer when I screamed that I was leaving this house when she yelled at me. How I left without remorse, and felt like an unwanted intruder the next time I came over. How she harbored her grudge on me from over a year ago when I told her my hurt feelings and asked her to apologize. How tightly codependent I was on her approval and acceptance then, and my resentment at her uncompromising anger. How she could not accept any non-gratifying speech even after my countless apologies and explanations. I did not want to go near her. I felt she was horrid. But something inside told me I had to, that what was this- she is my sister and even her own cousins hugged her so I should go there too. And how maybe she was waiting for me because she was insecure. Dammit I said and went to her and looked at her. She glanced at me and I felt a drop of acceptance so I burst into tears. What a twit. I hugged her but I felt her cringe. I cried and cried thinking may be I was imagining it. I grasped at straws of her care. But it was in my imagination, because I felt she was so resentful of my year of no contact that she had a wall blocking emotional connection with me at all. I felt like a loser, scorned and unable to keep up my true values. Like may be I was so desperate for love that I was pathetic. I sighed and looked straight ahead. There was no direct talk at her anymore. She just smiled to my baby, signifying that she would not have interest in me but rather my baby because she was cuter and had more advantages. It hurt deeply. But I still hoped a bit.. And went with the relatives to go back to mourn in the house in her car. It struck me strange that they were all so disconnected... From themselves. All my mother kept saying was that "He was a great man, his face shone so brightly when he studied." And she even said, "I looked at him as if he were a king! All the time. My king." And everyone was impressed. I wanted to barf. She had told me one time that she felt no love from her father, just cold respect. How is this man so revered?

My other aunts also looked older and out of reality. They just gave weird nodding smiles at each other and relatives. I had no clue what they meant. As I sat near them, thinking maybe now I will feel close, it was a stony silence like they didn't even want to talk to me. Like, I was not the real niece and was out of place. I was better off somewhere else. That was why I had not allowed myself to feel pain. But I did cry twice. Just not with them.

My cousin told me she had thought I would feel this way. I knew it was true. That I was not related. In the car, they all yelled and spoke about mundane things that did not feel very connecting. I zoned out with boredom. I asked why they screamed, and my older cousin told me seriously, "We are very passionate." I was like, I believe you can make a point without screaming. It was mad weird. My daughter looked at them fearfully. When we got to our town, she cried at me to open the buckle, and I did not anticipating that she would get up. My sister yelped "What are you doing? No! No way is she not being strapped in that is dangerous!!" and I tried closing the buckle again but she screamed pitifully. Everyone freaked out,  and started giving their ideas. I said forget it, and asked to go out and walk. My mother ignored me! I yelled, "Please let me out." And she said she can't now. I said yes you can, just pull over. It was not far from my house. I did not want to go with them anymore anyway. I asked her why she had ignored me, if she heard me. She pretended she hadn't, and I said you know it's not right to ignore me. I should not have screamed but I felt unheard. She said, you should never scream at a mother. I was exasperated and felt gaslighted, with all my anger at both of them. All of them. For their ignorance, cluelessness and uncaring about another person. I left. My older cousin seemed to worry about me, Where you gonna go? I just ignored her. They were so enmeshed and needy with each other I did not want to partake. Especially when it came to shaming me.

I left and went to the farmer's market. I bought lots of food, using up all my money in one shot. I just needed healthiness. I couldn't think. I washed and ate kale, with my daughter. She was tired but I couldn't see how to be there for her. I felt she would feel unloved by me, because of how I felt. Wondered if anyone cared. G-d cared. But I needed humans. It hurt so much. To be rejected once again by the people who raised me, and have them expect me to be like them. A pet, and not think of my self. My roots. All for them and not voice my feelings. They expected me to be a sister/daughter/cousin to them, without putting an effort to care about me. I am done. I think I need to disown them. It sucks that I rely on them for my new apartment. I don't know if they want to truly help me, as a Rabbi said, wicked people will show you who they truly are when you walk away from them. But do I owe them anything? I don't think so. That feels like annihilating myself. To show up and pretend I am okay.